Tag Archives: panties

Panties of the Southern Wild

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Those of you who are long-term readers of Baddest Mother Ever will know EGGZACKLY what I’m talking about when I make reference to the FPU.  For you newbies, that’s the Feral Panties Unit.  That’s our chief investigative body assigned to figuring out why some people “just leaves they panties where they fall,” to quote my friend Julie’s cleaning lady.  The Feral Panties Unit was formed about this time last year when I stumbled upon this startling scene in the parking lot at work:

Day Two

I expounded upon my theories about the provenance of those parking lot panties in “If You Walk Out of Your Panties,” with followups in:

Law and Order: FPU (Feral Panties Unit)

chalk outline

Law and Order FPU: Vice Squad

vice squad

Law and Order FPU: K9 Division

904446_10200380527228800_407350337_o

Law and Order FPU: Series Finale?

no panties

Well, guess what, Dear Readers!  I think we’re hot on the tail of those wanderin’ panties once again.  Check out this photo sent to me yesterday by Leigh in Vicksburg, Mississippi:

Vicksburg FPU

Are our feral panties hiding out under an assumed identity in Mizzizzippi?  It looks like it’s time for FPU to crack another case. (See that?  See what I did there?)

Now, given that it’s Friday, let’s have some fun with these panties.  CAPTION CONTEST!  Leave your caption for Leigh’s photo in the comments!  We fight not for prizes but for glory.  

Big Girl Panties

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Objects on blog may appear smaller in real life.

Objects on blog may appear smaller in real life.

I am hesitant to write ANOTHER post about panties–even though the one about walking out of your panties has been my most popular to date!–but here goes.  Well, this is hard to talk about but I hear that it happens in a lot of mixed marriages–when NORMAL people marry Brasilians…

OK, no more stalling…

The cleaning lady keeps mixing up my panties with G’s underwear.  

I frankly don’t know which of us should be more offended.  We have to unstack the stacks and sort them again after she leaves.  Maybe it’s a vision problem, you say?  Could be.  But I think there’s more to it.

About once a year, G’s mother sends him a package from Brasil and invariably, it contains a few pair of…sultry Latin undergarments for the modern man on the go.  I guess over our years together, through attrition and acts of God, the ratio of sultry Latin undergarments to normal underwear has grown disproportionate.  Then you have to throw in the fact that, along the same time line, I discovered maternity underwear and the forgiving nature of cotton.  As his underwear got smaller, mine…didn’t.

Well.  We could maybe make a graph that shows how the accumulation of sultry Latin undergarments versus the accumulation of voluminous panties has culminated in this laundry catastrophe.  But I’m not sure how to set that up in Excel.

Truth is, I think it’s time.  I plan to get back to the healthy weight that I was when I was running and eating cleaner.  But until then, I think it’s time for me to go buy new panties and I’ve just got to get over the fact that they’re not going to be in the size they were before I had a baby at 42.  But I deserve some big, girl panties.  I don’t need to be bound, twisted, bunched, pinched, itched, and constricted on a daily basis.  And maybe the cleaning lady will be able to tell the difference between mine and his.  I wonder if they have Hello Kitty in my size?

Law and Order FPU: Series Finale?

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Day 13:  Final Case Notes

Giant country music concert in town last night with Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean.  I hear Ludacris even drove over from Atlanta.  Seventy thousands fans in town for the show.  

Boybutante Ball also downtown at the 40 Watt.  Huge annual drag show fundraiser for HIV/AIDS charities in Northeast Georgia.  

Plus it’s prom season.

AND turkey season.

THUNK-THUNK!

no panties

Conclusion:  Them panties done R-U-N-N-O-F-T.  

Quiz Question:  What country song best sums up our adventure with these feral panties? 

Bonus Question:  What movie featured that line?  

Law and Order FPU: Vice Squad

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Episode Four

“In the criminal littering system, panty-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In our fair City, the dedicated bloggers who investigate these underwear felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Feral Panties Unit. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

gritty

Day Seven, 8am.  Let’s get down to the nitty gritty–these panties ain’t going nowhere.  This case is as cold as a well digger’s butt in January.

THUNK-THUNK!

vice squad

Day Nine, 8:30am.  This job can be a real heartbreaker, working the FPU beat.  Sometimes life on the street leaves a pair of panties with some pretty tough choices for survival.  Nice pair of cotton panties from the sticks can’t survive all alone out here, no matter how big those dreams were when they came into the city.   We’re gonna have to turn this one over to Vice Squad.  Suspect may be disguised and fabulous.

THUNK-THUNK!

If you have no earthly idea what the hell is going on here, click here to read the beginning of the story.

And then the second part of the story.

And the third part of the story, which includes a nice dog.  

(Thanks to Kathryn Keith Sims of the Feathered Nest Boutique–check her out on Etsy and FB– for making me laugh so hard this morning that I almost had to return home for fresh panties.  The accessories she sells in her store are WAY cuter than what you see in the above evidence photo.)

Law and Order FPU: K9 Division

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Episode Three

 “In Our Fair City’s war on feral panties, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Canine Investigations Squad. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

904446_10200380527228800_407350337_oDay Four, 9:00am.  Special Agent Huckleberry is on the case.

OK, seriously…I am trying to write but that expression on Huck’s face cracks me up so bad that I can’t think straight.  So that means it’s time for a CAPTION CONTEST!!!  What would you caption that photo of the world’s silliest Greater Pike Hound on the case of the feral panties?  Leave your answer in the comments!

Law and Order FPU: Stakeout

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Episode Two

“In the criminal littering system, panty-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In our fair City, the dedicated bloggers who investigate these underwear felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Feral Panties Unit. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

Camouflage

Day Two, 5pm.  The panties are beginning to camouflage themselves as they adapt to their new habit.  We’re 48 hours into this stakeout and the trail is growing cold.  And breezy.  We may have to call in commandos.

THUNK-THUNK!

In the rain

Day Three, 8:30am.  Looks like someone left their cake out in the rain.  The FPU officer suffered an attack of panty pity and shielded the wad of panties with her regulation black umbrella.  It’s hard out here for a pimp.

THUNK-THUNK!

chalk outline

Day Three, 5:15pm.  Feral Panties Unit officer outlined the panty wad in order to prevent further contamination.   From this angle, it’s starting to look like the Rolling Stones lip logo…or have I been looking at this for too long? 

THUNK-THUNK!

If you have no earthly idea what the hell is going on here, click here to read the beginning of the story.

And then the second part of the story.

Then somebody help me get in touch with Ice T to see if he’ll do a guest post.

Law and Order: FPU (Feral Panties Unit)

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“In the Underwear Investigation System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The freaks who leave panties lying about and the Intrepid Bloggers who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

5pm update...panties still there, shadows growing longer.

Day One, 5pm:  Sunset over the unders.

THUNK-THUNK!

Day Two

Day Two:  Panties still there, but looking a lot more gritty than yesterday.

THUNK-THUNK!

How long will they remain in the parking lot?  I give it until Friday.  We are Southerners and our capacity for ignoring the awkward or unpleasant is legend.