Tag Archives: FPU

Panties of the Southern Wild

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Those of you who are long-term readers of Baddest Mother Ever will know EGGZACKLY what I’m talking about when I make reference to the FPU.  For you newbies, that’s the Feral Panties Unit.  That’s our chief investigative body assigned to figuring out why some people “just leaves they panties where they fall,” to quote my friend Julie’s cleaning lady.  The Feral Panties Unit was formed about this time last year when I stumbled upon this startling scene in the parking lot at work:

Day Two

I expounded upon my theories about the provenance of those parking lot panties in “If You Walk Out of Your Panties,” with followups in:

Law and Order: FPU (Feral Panties Unit)

chalk outline

Law and Order FPU: Vice Squad

vice squad

Law and Order FPU: K9 Division

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Law and Order FPU: Series Finale?

no panties

Well, guess what, Dear Readers!  I think we’re hot on the tail of those wanderin’ panties once again.  Check out this photo sent to me yesterday by Leigh in Vicksburg, Mississippi:

Vicksburg FPU

Are our feral panties hiding out under an assumed identity in Mizzizzippi?  It looks like it’s time for FPU to crack another case. (See that?  See what I did there?)

Now, given that it’s Friday, let’s have some fun with these panties.  CAPTION CONTEST!  Leave your caption for Leigh’s photo in the comments!  We fight not for prizes but for glory.  

Law and Order FPU: Series Finale?

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Day 13:  Final Case Notes

Giant country music concert in town last night with Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean.  I hear Ludacris even drove over from Atlanta.  Seventy thousands fans in town for the show.  

Boybutante Ball also downtown at the 40 Watt.  Huge annual drag show fundraiser for HIV/AIDS charities in Northeast Georgia.  

Plus it’s prom season.

AND turkey season.

THUNK-THUNK!

no panties

Conclusion:  Them panties done R-U-N-N-O-F-T.  

Quiz Question:  What country song best sums up our adventure with these feral panties? 

Bonus Question:  What movie featured that line?  

Law and Order FPU: Vice Squad

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Episode Four

“In the criminal littering system, panty-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In our fair City, the dedicated bloggers who investigate these underwear felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Feral Panties Unit. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

gritty

Day Seven, 8am.  Let’s get down to the nitty gritty–these panties ain’t going nowhere.  This case is as cold as a well digger’s butt in January.

THUNK-THUNK!

vice squad

Day Nine, 8:30am.  This job can be a real heartbreaker, working the FPU beat.  Sometimes life on the street leaves a pair of panties with some pretty tough choices for survival.  Nice pair of cotton panties from the sticks can’t survive all alone out here, no matter how big those dreams were when they came into the city.   We’re gonna have to turn this one over to Vice Squad.  Suspect may be disguised and fabulous.

THUNK-THUNK!

If you have no earthly idea what the hell is going on here, click here to read the beginning of the story.

And then the second part of the story.

And the third part of the story, which includes a nice dog.  

(Thanks to Kathryn Keith Sims of the Feathered Nest Boutique–check her out on Etsy and FB– for making me laugh so hard this morning that I almost had to return home for fresh panties.  The accessories she sells in her store are WAY cuter than what you see in the above evidence photo.)

Law and Order FPU: K9 Division

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Episode Three

 “In Our Fair City’s war on feral panties, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Canine Investigations Squad. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

904446_10200380527228800_407350337_oDay Four, 9:00am.  Special Agent Huckleberry is on the case.

OK, seriously…I am trying to write but that expression on Huck’s face cracks me up so bad that I can’t think straight.  So that means it’s time for a CAPTION CONTEST!!!  What would you caption that photo of the world’s silliest Greater Pike Hound on the case of the feral panties?  Leave your answer in the comments!

Law and Order FPU: Stakeout

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Episode Two

“In the criminal littering system, panty-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In our fair City, the dedicated bloggers who investigate these underwear felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Feral Panties Unit. These are their stories.”

THUNK-THUNK!

Camouflage

Day Two, 5pm.  The panties are beginning to camouflage themselves as they adapt to their new habit.  We’re 48 hours into this stakeout and the trail is growing cold.  And breezy.  We may have to call in commandos.

THUNK-THUNK!

In the rain

Day Three, 8:30am.  Looks like someone left their cake out in the rain.  The FPU officer suffered an attack of panty pity and shielded the wad of panties with her regulation black umbrella.  It’s hard out here for a pimp.

THUNK-THUNK!

chalk outline

Day Three, 5:15pm.  Feral Panties Unit officer outlined the panty wad in order to prevent further contamination.   From this angle, it’s starting to look like the Rolling Stones lip logo…or have I been looking at this for too long? 

THUNK-THUNK!

If you have no earthly idea what the hell is going on here, click here to read the beginning of the story.

And then the second part of the story.

Then somebody help me get in touch with Ice T to see if he’ll do a guest post.