Here’s a GREAT piece of advice my mom shared with me when I was divorced from Fartbuster and starting to date again. It’s known as “The Five S’s.” That is blatant misuse of an apostrophe to try to make a plural, so let’s spell out the name of the letter “Ess” then make it a plural…Esses. But after that glass of wine (and the one before it) that comes out more like Essesssessess.
With the Five Essesses, it’s all or nothing. Whether I was scouting around for a Friday night date or a life partner, I had to make sure he fit ALL FIVE of these criteria:
SINGLE: Well, duh. Though Fartbuster didn’t let marriage stop him from dating. When we were separated, I got “approached” by a married man. I said, “Good grief. I’ve already got ONE cheating husband in my life–why would I want someone else’s too?”
STRAIGHT: If you’re straight, that is. If you’re gay, they should be gay, too. I’ve spent some time dating members of The Other Team and it’s fun while it lasts–especially when there was dancing involved–but it’s not going to pan out over the long term.
SANE: This one takes a little looking around under the hood. Do they have long term friendships? Can they be alone? Can they be in company? Is their past littered with broken relationships? Is everyone “out to get them?” Any arrest records…and why? How do they treat things that are smaller and sweeter than themselves?
SOBER: I don’t care if you’re a drinker, a tee-totaler, in recovery or allergic to gin–as long as you are in charge of it.
SOLVENT: I’m not saying wealthy. Just solvent. Bills are paid. Living within your means. Not going to ruin my credit score by association.
It took me a while to find Richard (all 5, no question) and then another while to find G (all 5, plus the Secret S: Sexy Accent). Along the way I met some other Esses: Skint, Stalker, Snoopy, Stressy, Skoal, Stupid, Stingy, Swagger, Slob.
So in hindsight….Fartbuster? Single. Straight. Sober. A little weak on solvent and a lot weak on sane. And there was the sixth S: skank.