Tag Archives: family

How Could I Have Missed This?

red flagThere was a time in my past, that time when Fartbuster started making a real effort to be happier.  He got contact lenses.  He started working out.  Bought some new clothes and experimented with hair products.  I found myself saying, “He’s getting better.  He’s taking care of himself.”  Duh!  He exhibited every cliched sign of a cheating man–right down to the lipstick on his collar.  Once the lies came to the surface, I sat all alone in the ruins of my life and said, “How could I have missed this?”  I was so ashamed that someone had fooled me like that.  How could I have been so stupid?

There was a time in my past, that time when Richard couldn’t seem to shake that cold.  He had no energy.  Sometimes, he’d spike a fever.  He finally went to the doctor but the doctor said it was bronchitis.  The antibiotics didn’t clear it up but it was the end of the semester so he was feeling exhausted anyway.  That was probably all it was.  His grandmother died and he felt low.  He had bruises,  but said they were from skiing…back in March?  And now it was May?  Then there was that blood vessel that burst in his eye and didn’t get better during two weeks of vacation.  His vision began to cross so he finally went to an ophthalmologist who thought there was a chance he had a retinal bleed.  When Richard mentioned that he hadn’t been feeling himself for a while, the doctor ordered a CBC.  Within 48 hours, Richard was at Johns Hopkins on the oncology ward.  A few days later, our film from that vacation came back and when I saw the pictures–him resting on a driftwood tree, his legs covered in a solid swath of bruises from yellow to purple–I was so ashamed that I had “let him” walk around like that, so obviously sick. I hid the pictures.  And I asked myself, “How could I have missed this?”  How could I have been so stupid?

Red flags.  Why didn’t I see them?

I know, I know–it was never my job to police a cheater.  And I know, I know–leukemia is easy to miss in an otherwise healthy 37-year-old man who doesn’t like to go to the doctor.  No one blamed me because I didn’t order a CBC right away.  But because I’ve been spun sideways by a couple of doozies like these, I sometimes feel like I am just living in wait, waiting for some shoe to drop.

I thought that shoe had fallen back in December when I took my darling son in for his well visit and left with a handful of red flags.  Filling out those social/verbal/motor skills inventories threw me for a loop.  I thought he was independent, a free spirit….but maybe he doesn’t know how to interact with other people?  I thought he talked when he wanted to talk…but he’s falling behind his peers.  Where’s the line between a hard-headed little boy and a syndrome, a condition, a diagnosis?   When our doctor said, “I don’t think he has autism, but let’s get him screened now that he’s three,” the first thing I asked myself was “How could I have missed this?”  How could I have been so stupid?

Now it turns out that my son has some kind of language issue.  I haven’t wanted to talk about it here (and as soon as I typed that, my stomach knotted up and I thought about deleting the whole thing for the 1000th time) because it’s still hazy.  He’s getting speech therapy and he’s making swift progress.  The doctor is encouraged.  I’m encouraged.  And the fact is that he’s still my baby boy, no matter what.  I write about personal things here, but usually it’s things that are resolved.  Lot of rear view mirror stuff on Baddest Mother Ever.  Not things that are “we’ll see.”

The whole thing got me thinking about this reflex of saying, “How could I have missed this?”  Because when I sat across the table from a speech therapist who says, “Yeah, he’s not making sentences,” I felt like an idiot.  How could strangers be telling me something about my own son?

The same way a doctor knows how to read a CBC.  It’s what they do.

Now I’m looking for red flags EVERYWHERE.  I won’t be fooled again.  I will figure this OUT and by sheer force of will I will……

….what?

I will accept whatever comes along.

Because that’s what I learned from the other doozies.  Even if I HAD seen the red flags from Fartbuster and Richard, I couldn’t have changed anything.  I can’t “fix” what happens with other people, even my own kids.

All I can do is love them where they are, how they are, who they are.

I am hopeful for Carlos.  On the first day he started getting speech therapy, I picked him up and decided to spend some car time working on his conversation skills.  The therapist said he needs to learn to express “Yes” and “No” and I could help him with that by asking simple questions.  We also want to increase his “mean length of utterance” to an average of 3.  So I asked him, “Is your name Carlos?”

His reply?  “That’s funny, Mommy.”

Then he started saying his colors in Spanish–he LOVES Spanish.  I pointed to my shirt and asked, “Que color?”  He said, “Wojo!”  I said, “Si!  Mi camisa es roja!”  Then he said a few more color words.  I was at a stop light, so I picked up my knee and pointed to my black pants.  “Que color, Carlos?”  I lifted my knee higher and waggled the fabric.

He caught my eye in the rear view mirror and said, “Drive car, Mommy.”

Cherry Blossoms

I remember one Easter when my nephews were small–they grabbed handfuls of cherry blossoms that had fallen from the trees in Nana and Papa’s yard.  Jackson and Grant flung the pale pink petals in the air so they floated down to dust baby Jake’s head.  We all laughed as the boys sang, “It’s snowing!  It’s snowing!” while Jake squealed with joy.  That’s been a dozen years ago and I still remember the sound of their laughter and the astonishment I felt at loving these small, new people so keenly.

Isn’t it holy to live in a moment and know that you will remember it for the rest of your life?  Cherry blossoms remind me to look up.  We are alive, beneath the cherry blossoms.

 

cherry-blossom-6418_1920

Every Baby Changes the World

baby snow angel

I’ve been thinking about babies for the last few days, specifically two growing boys named Carlos and Justice.

December 26th is “Carlosmas” because my son was born on a snowy, quiet morning the day after Christmas, three quick years ago.

When G and I went to the hospital at 7 p.m. on Christmas night, the snow had just begun to fall.  Vivi was beside herself with excitement–a visit from Santa, Grandma in charge, snow, AND a baby brother!  My whole body quivered with nervous energy, too.  When we got to the maternity unit, my friend, Paulette, was going off shift but decided to stay to get me settled.  That one act of kindness set my mind at ease.  It was all going to be OK.

For Vivi’s arrival, there had been a host of people in and out all day–I got giving birth somewhat confused with a tea party.  In the end, it was perfect and just the right entrance for Vivi, who has always been vivacious and loves the fuss and bother of a party.  For Carlos’ arrival, it was just G and me, whiling away the quiet hours of the night.  We walked the empty halls.  We watched a black and white movie.  We watched the snow gather on the big dogwood tree outside my window.  We slept until 6 a.m. and I woke knowing that it was going to be SOON.

But there was no chaos.  My friend, Alecia, four months pregnant herself and married to my cousin’s cousin, ended up being our delivery nurse.  She called my doctor, who lives just a block away so he walked in through the snow.  G and I had done this before, so we were more excited than nervous.  The room filled with joyful people as the snow fell outside.  

Carlos arrived at 6:27 a.m., along with a lavender glow of sunrise on the snow.  I remember looking out the window and feeling such peace.  My son is a quiet, joyful child–the chillest little person you’d ever want to meet.  Looking back now that I know him better, his birth morning suited him perfectly.  

While I watched the purple snow take on the light of morning, with my son now in the world with me, I thought about Christmas and the miracle that Christians believe happened with the birth of one child.  My heart told me in that moment that EVERY baby is a miracle.  Every baby is another chance to get it right, to be our best selves, to live love.  Thoreau put it best:  “Every child begins the world again.”  

Last year, in the snowy winter, a little boy was born many weeks early.  He began his life too small and all alone and struggling.  He embodied a chance to live love to anyone who could take him.  And that’s exactly what he got.  A man I knew a long time ago, David, and his husband, Mark, adopted this tiny baby and gave him a name and a family.  They loved him until he was strong enough to leave the hospital.  They did the work to make him part of their family.  They met his every need and then some.  Justice has flourished in his family.  I saw a picture of him and his big sister the other day and that baby has the kind of cheeks that make you believe that everything is going to be OK.  In a year, his expression has blossomed into smiles.  He lives in love and it shows.  

I guess what I was thinking about on the morning of Carlos’ birth was something like this:  we spend so much effort and energy thinking about another world when there are miracles born every day in this one.  Every baby is a gift with the potential to save us from our worst selves.  Every baby is a chance to get it right.  Every baby brings peace and a chance to live love.  

One With My Name On It

I have been scurrying madly for a couple of days, trying to “catch up” after being sick for a week.  Busy busy busy!  Must!  Gotta!  Have to!  Need to!

Sound familiar?

And on top of the busy-ness, I also hit that sad point in the holiday arc where the beautiful gifts I had chosen with care look stupid and not charming and just WRONG.  Because, y’know, there’s a test and I’m getting a grade and it better all be OK or something awful will happen.  Like Big Gay may already have that CD and she won’t love me anymore.  Or maybe Vivi doesn’t want to learn to knit any more because I dared to get excited about it.  Or the book for Daddy will make him sad instead of inspired.  Did Victoria say blue or blueish?  Well, whichever, I’m sure this is wrong.

Then on top of the busy-ness and the WRONG and the ridiculous cough that lingers, I look over and see G reclined in front of the TV, not a care in the world.  Has he tied a single bow?  No.  Has he written out a list for the dinner that he’ll cook Wednesday?  No.  Has he…well, you get the idea.  He’s living his life.  I’m living my life AND trying to make sure everyone else has Special Memories.  Cue the music and the fake snow and the dancing reindeer!

I hit bottom, right around 11 p.m.  But I’ve had a lot of therapy and knew it was just mental and kept my mouth shut about it.  I finished the bows.  I sorted the presents that need to go to Griffin and the ones that will stay here.  I checked the piles to make sure they looked about even.  I reminded myself that Carlos can’t count so he won’t know if he gets more pajamas than his sisters.  I stacked the presents under the tree.  And that’s when I saw….one with my name on it.

A present under the tree, for me!

A present under the tree, for me!

One gift in that giant pile that hadn’t been picked, paid for, or wrapped by me.

Do we ever get over the little zizzle of excitement caused by finding a present under the tree with our name on it?  I hope not.

Around the holidays, it can be so tiring, being the mom.

And it can be so rich, finding a present with my name on it.  With a tag someone wrote in five special colors.  Wrapped up tight in a festive piece of felt.  Taped SECURELY.

Oh my heart.  She wrote my name on it.

Be Good For Something

This quote from Henry David Thoreau inspired my column today at Work It, Mom:

thoreau

The story is called “The How, When and WHY of Work: Fostering a Healthy Work Ethic In Our Children.”  Here’s an excerpt:

A few years back, my father hired a teenage boy to be an afternoon kennel assistant at his veterinary clinic.  Cleaning cages, feeding the animals, tidying up–a job of all work.  Mopping kennels at a vet clinic doesn’t require a tie, but this kid always showed up to work with his jeans sagging down off his butt.  Every time he stooped over to put a bowl of water on the floor, he had to adjust his pants.  While he stocked shelves or swept the exam rooms, he was constantly hiking his pants up or pulling them down to keep them in just the right spot.

This drove my dad NUTS.  So he, as the business owner and boss, told the kid, “Those pants are interfering with your work.  Either wear a belt tomorrow or don’t come in at all.”  The kid got huffy and replied, “I don’t have to put up with this sh*t!”
 
Which led to much laughing from the actual adults who worked there.  Gina, the lead tech snorted, “Oh, yes, sweetheart–YOU DO have to put up with this sh*t!” 
So click on over and find out what happened!

The 52 Things Basket — A Simple and Meaningful DIY Gift

Big Gay's 52 Things Basket

Big Gay’s 52 Things Basket

 

See that brown basket up on the top shelf?  That’s a gift I made a long time ago for Big Gay.  She still has it, and that makes me very happy.  

My column today at Work It, Mom! is called The Most Meaningful Christmas Gift I Ever Gave.  I hope you will read it and discover how simple it is to create the magic of the 52 Things Basket.  I love how the story turned out.  Read the story here

I’m Dreaming of a Big Gay Christmas

The writing prompt this week is “The Best Gift You Could Give Me This Christmas,” courtesy of Deanna Dennis at A Long Run.  This one is easy peasy!  I don’t really have a list of presents that I am hoping for this year–I just want a Big Gay Christmas.

Big Gay is my stepmother.  My fairy stepmother, because she has a gift for spreading magic all around her and making it look easy.   Christmas Eve at their house is my favorite family event of the year.  We call her “Big Gay” because we have more than one Gay in the family–my sister is named Gay and our stepmother is, too.  And we grew up in Gay, Georgia for that matter.  So when Daddy married Gay, we had to distinguish–thus Big Gay and Little Gay.

Here are a few things that make a Big Gay Christmas the best day in my year:

1.  Big Gay puts great thought and effort into decorating.  It makes me feel special to be surrounded by that much beauty.  Even during the years when she worked retail and didn’t get home until 8pm on Christmas Eve, we still had a glowing tree, fresh garlands and coconut cakes.  She once told me, “There’s so much in life that you can’t control, it just makes sense to me to make things as lovely as possible when you can.”

The dining room tree, reflected in a silver bowl.

The dining room tree, reflected in a silver bowl.

Nana's tree

Nana’s tree is silver and gold.

2.  Big Gay gives gifts that are carefully chosen for each person.  And every gift is wrapped in gorgeous paper and ribbon with a handwritten and tied gift tag.  One year, she gave me a white terry bath robe “because writers need a good robe.”  There were plenty of years when our gifts came from the pawn shop, but they were just what we had asked for.  One year when the grandchildren were small and LOVED opening presents, Big Gay went to the dollar store and bought all five of them 20 presents each.  Every plastic soldier or bottle of bubbles was lovingly wrapped and ribboned, then piled up in the middle of the floor so the kids could sort through 100 presents!

I wrapped these, but I stole all the ribbons from Big Gay.

I wrapped these, but I stole all the ribbons from Big Gay.

3.  Everyone gets a place at the table.  This might require extra tables in the kitchen and out on the porch, but each guest will have a seat and a lovely plate full of good food.  Big Gay makes sure the kids have tiny forks that fit their hands and cups that they can hold.  Papa asks the blessing and cries.

The slowest eater in the family.

The slowest eater in the family, still working on her biscuit.

gay decor two

4.  Even though Big Gay’s house looks like a spread in House Beautiful, it’s home.  It’s comfortable.  You can take your shoes off and unbutton your pants after dinner.

Barefoot with my baybuh.

Barefoot with my baybuh.

This was the year I bought Vivi's tights at the consignment sale and the elastic died!

This was the year I bought Vivi’s tights at the consignment sale and the elastic died!

5.  At Nana and Papa’s house, the kids can be kids.  This is the best part of Big Gay Christmas to me–there is magic tucked in every corner.  Frosty leaves his hat lying around.  Jumping on the furniture is tolerated and soccer in the library is perfectly fine.  Santa calls to tell everyone it’s time for bed.  Elmo chills out with a smoke.  We laugh and we laugh and we laugh.

gay santa calls

Santa calls to make sure the kids are heading to bed.

gay tree two

Nana loses a few ornaments each year to tiny curiosity.

gay soccer

Soccer? Sure. Just keep your kicks low.

gay globes

It always snows on Christmas Eve…at least in the snow globes.

gay furniture

Jumping on the furniture is fine.

gay ginger

Gingerbread houses sprout here and there.

gay frosty

Frosty left his hat in the kitchen.

gay elmo smoke

Even Elmo gets to relax.

That’s the present I’m most excited about this year–Big Gay Christmas.  It’s fabulous.  

My writing group is pondering this theme today.  Check out other thoughts at A Long Run!