Tag Archives: empowerment

One Fine Morning

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Well, I went to bed the other night with my speech for the next day unwritten, and–wouldn’t you know it–as soon as I turned off the light and put my head on the pillow it came to me. I grabbed the pen next to my gratitude journal and scrawled on the back of my left hand:

8000

NRT

Auburn

Paula

Pioneers

Honey, Please

Then I went to sleep.

Here’s what I ended up saying to the class of 2014 at the official beginning of their senior year…

Hello, everyone. I am Ashley Garrett and I serve as the President of the Wesleyan College Alumnae Association. I bring you greetings on behalf of the over 8000 women who have gone before you into the wider world after Wesleyan. I am excited to be here today because I love love love Fall Convocation–it’s the start of a great adventure, a journey.

We are Pioneers and just like the pioneer women a couple of hundred years ago, we have packed up the things we can’t live without and thrown them in our wagons and made our way to Macon, the first stop on that journey. And like those pioneer women, we might be looking ahead at all the ground we have to cover to get from here to there and feeling overwhelmed. I imagine that many of those pioneers said, “Hold on. You mean to tell me that I have to WALK across an ocean of prairie grass just to get to a mile-high WALL of Rocky Mountains and once I get over THAT, I can start my life? Honey, please.”

It IS overwhelming, when we look out at the start of journey and see all that lies ahead of us. So here’s my advice to you: Just do the next right thing. Do the next right thing. You don’t have to do all the things and you don’t have to do them today. You only have to do the next right thing.

This is the advice I would give my friend, Auburn, who is a member of the first-year Pirate class. This week, Auburn was elected the chair of her class STUNT committee. She’s looking ahead to February and thinking, “HOW am I going to make this happen?” Auburn, just do the next right thing.

Where’s my friend, Paula? Paula is a member of the senior Purple Knight class. She’s juggling Orientation leadership, a role in the theater production, backstage work on another production, and her course work. And Paula is already thinking about how to get her Actor’s Equity card after she graduates. Paula, do the next right thing.

I tell you this today because I am a Pioneer and I am also a Purple Knight. And I’ve walked across some oceans and climbed some mountains and I’m back here today to tell you that I know you can do it. You will get there if you do the next right thing. For you have courage in your purpose and strength to see it through. Class of 2014, all hail to you.

There was clapping and cheering and crying and it was everything I had hoped to say.

That’s Paula on the far left with her friends. Look at those smiles! These women will change the world.

I got to hug Paula afterwards and meet her mama. Paula hugged my neck and whispered, “I needed to hear that today.” There was no better outcome I could have asked for when I went to bed without knowing what I was going to say.

I got a hug from Auburn, too. She’s only been at Wesleyan for a few weeks and is still settling in, even though she’s a third generation Wesleyanne. While we were talking, President Ruth Knox came over to say hello and I had the honor of introducing Auburn to her. As luck would have it, Auburn is at Wesleyan on the Mary Knox McNeill scholarship for faith and service. That scholarship was established in memory of President Knox’s sister. It was pure magic, watching the two of them connect there on the steps. Ruth said, “I’ll be keeping my eye on you.” A light came on inside Auburn and I got to see it, that moment when a girl stood up taller, prouder. She messaged me later and we giggled over the delights of the day. The last thing she said was, “I feel at home here now.” Well, you can get to know her on her blog “Tales of a Wesleyanne!”

That’s Auburn in the middle with her mama’s classmates. Y’all might remember Virginia from that story “The Teacher and the Professor.”

When I went to sleep with those random words scrawled on my hand, I couldn’t have dreamed of where they would take me. What a fine morning.

The Secret of the Five S’s

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Here’s a GREAT piece of advice my mom shared with me when I was divorced from Fartbuster and starting to date again. It’s known as “The Five S’s.” That is blatant misuse of an apostrophe to try to make a plural, so let’s spell out the name of the letter “Ess” then make it a plural…Esses. But after that glass of wine (and the one before it) that comes out more like Essesssessess.

With the Five Essesses, it’s all or nothing. Whether I was scouting around for a Friday night date or a life partner, I had to make sure he fit ALL FIVE of these criteria:

SINGLE: Well, duh. Though Fartbuster didn’t let marriage stop him from dating. When we were separated, I got “approached” by a married man. I said, “Good grief. I’ve already got ONE cheating husband in my life–why would I want someone else’s too?”

STRAIGHT: If you’re straight, that is. If you’re gay, they should be gay, too. I’ve spent some time dating members of The Other Team and it’s fun while it lasts–especially when there was dancing involved–but it’s not going to pan out over the long term.

SANE: This one takes a little looking around under the hood. Do they have long term friendships? Can they be alone? Can they be in company? Is their past littered with broken relationships? Is everyone “out to get them?” Any arrest records…and why? How do they treat things that are smaller and sweeter than themselves?

SOBER: I don’t care if you’re a drinker, a tee-totaler, in recovery or allergic to gin–as long as you are in charge of it.

SOLVENT: I’m not saying wealthy. Just solvent. Bills are paid. Living within your means. Not going to ruin my credit score by association.

It took me a while to find Richard (all 5, no question) and then another while to find G (all 5, plus the Secret S: Sexy Accent). Along the way I met some other Esses: Skint, Stalker, Snoopy, Stressy, Skoal, Stupid, Stingy, Swagger, Slob.

So in hindsight….Fartbuster? Single. Straight. Sober. A little weak on solvent and a lot weak on sane. And there was the sixth S: skank.

Terminal Velocity

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This post is my response to the writing prompt “What’s the scariest thing you ever did and why did you do it? Here goes…

“So…what if something goes wrong?”

My skydiving instructor tugged the four hooks on my harness and said, “Each ONE of these is capable of holding both of us. It’s fine.” His name was Bruce and he was a retired Marine and he had jumped 2000+ times. “It’s fine.”

“What if you bang your head on something and pass out and I don’t know how to pull the thing to open the chute?”

“It’s got an automatic trigger set to a certain altitude and if I haven’t pulled it by then it will deploy itself. It’s fine.” Bruce left me standing in my harness and strolled over to the other side of the hangar to get that magic parachute he was soooo sure about.

That’s Dan in the blue do-rag. I believe my facial expression says it all. Bruce is the fellow on the left in black and red. He was totally cool.

By that time on that sunny Saturday morning back in May 2001, I had already sat through a class about tandem skydiving, watched the safety video, signed a LOT of releases, practiced my landing tuck, paid $200 and punched my friend, Dan, for talking me into this. Dan is a parachuting fiend–stopping on his way home 2-3 a week to go up in the sky and dive. He evangelized for it as a way of taking life by the horns and reclaiming my sense of adventure after that boring and claustrophobic decade with my ex-husband. (You know, Fartbuster? Perhaps I’ve mentioned him before…)

So there I was, with Dan and two other friends from work–Emily, who was celebrating her 40th, and Jennifer, who at 24 had just finished cancer treatments. Oh, and Richard, who came along for the show. We had been dating for about three weeks. In his first career, Richard had been an aerospace engineer doing research for the Army, so he had jumped a time or two but had never been high enough to experience freefall. He wanted to dive, but tandem was the only option. He told me out of the side of his mouth, “I don’t want to be strapped to a guy.” As luck would have it, at that moment a six foot blonde Amazon of an instructor walked by and said, “You can ride with me, Sugar!” I’ve never seen a man whip out a credit card and pay $200 that fast. He was like SIGN. ME. UP. So there was all 5′ 4″ of Richard dangling from that woman like a baby in a Snugli. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a picture of that.

Our adventure weekend was special because Skydive Monroe had a big plane available with an open deck on the back, like a cargo plane. Instead of having to waddle out a little door in a small plane, we would be able to leap, flip, sail and plummet right off the deck into nothingness. Sweeeeet. Right.

I cut my eyes at Richard and said, “Just how fast will I be going?”

“Oh, I’d say about 100 miles per hour, maybe 120 in freefall. Much slower under canopy.”

“He said we would freefall for a full minute. Don’t we pick up speed as we fall farther?”

“No, you’ll reach your terminal velocity pretty quickly.”

“I’m sorry….WHAT?” Nobody wants to hear the word “terminal” stuck right up against “velocity” when she’s standing there in line to get into a plane with no back wall.

“A falling body can only go so fast. You can calculate an object’s terminal velocity–its highest possible speed–by taking into consideration the drag of the air, the pull of gravity and the weight of you and Bruce strapped together.”

I gave him my best English major blank stare.

He planted a little peck on my pale, clammy cheek. “It’s fine.”

That was a long ride up to 16,000 feet (that’s about as high as you can go without needing oxygen). My camera guy (oh yes, I had paid extra for the camera guy) interviewed me on the way up and let’s just say I was looking a little twitterpated. We were THREE MILES up in the air, y’all.

Bruce told me it was time to hook up. I had to stand. My legs were water. Water vapor. I mean seriously…THREE MILES UP, no back door on this plane, a dude filming me, and my new boyfriend tied to Xena the Warrior Princess. We were third in line, inching toward that gaping hole at the back of the plane. Nothing but blue past it because I sure as hell wasn’t looking down.

Because the deck made stunts easier, Bruce wanted to try a back flip for our exit. Who was I to express any doubt? Is there a safer, more practical way to hurtle out of a plane? He pretty much dragged me to the big red line on the floor by the entrance to oblivion. I crossed my arms over my chest and tucked my chin like we had practiced. He gripped a long silver horizontal bar for balance and we shuffled out into the wind. “Wind.” HAH. There is no word for that feeling.

Bruce screamed by my right ear, “OK on three. 3, 2, 1…….”

Look at that smile. Going 100mph really makes my cheekbones pronounced.

And he let go. As we fell backwards, I blacked out for a second. The force of the wind, our increasing velocity, flipped us around a couple of times then Bruce got us into flat position. The nothingness of air pressed so hard against my chest, my face, my cheeks that I couldn’t have screamed if I had wanted to. And oh, I WANTED TO. Bruce tapped my right hand to signal that it was time to spread out like an X. He deployed a drag chute and even with that little brake on, we flew downward at well over 100mph for a solid minute. When I finally caught my breath, it all came back out as giggles. The rush and roar. I have never felt so alive.

Then, holy HELL, I bumped into something. In the air–I bumped into something. That crazy Dan had jumped right before us. His terminal velocity must have been less than ours because we all ended up near each other and that fool SNUCK UP ON ME and grabbed my hand! I’m falling at 100mph, tied to a Marine and yelling, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” I thought we were all going to bang heads. But those guys knew what they were doing. Dan posed for the picture then sailed off. Leave it to me to jump out of a plane and still run into someone I know.

Dan swooping in to grab me. Not smiling anymore. I believe I was snarling, “GET OFF ME!”

At the end of the minute, when I thought my heart would explode with the giggling and the adrenaline, Bruce tapped me again to let me know that he was about to pull our chute. WHAM! It looked like we shot up through the air in comparison to the other solo divers around us but really their terminal velocity remained much higher while ours slowed with the greater drag coefficient of the chute in relation to the constant of gravity. (BOO YA!)

After the rush and the roar, there was silence. We didn’t talk. Just floated. Bruce let me pull the steering handles a couple of times to twirl us around. I could see the curve of the Earth at the horizon. A 360 degree view of Georgia countryside on a sunny Saturday morning. I’ll never forget it as long as I live.

There’s one word you don’t want to hear your jumpmaster say when you’re about 150 feet above the ground on your first skydive and about to land. That word is “SHIT.” Bruce had us all lined up for a solid landing, but another dude came sailing in hard and fast directly opposite us. Bruce adjusted quickly, but my brain clicked off at “SHIT” and I forgot to pull my knees up out of his way. We hit the ground running (literally!) and my feet tangled with his. I landed hard on my knees and got the wind knocked out of me for the first time in my adult life, but I staggered up with the biggest grin on my face and a new-found respect for gravity, wind and silence.

I stayed giddy for days!

I stayed high for three days. It’s been 12 years since that jump and I can still make my stomach lurch by remembering the 3-2-1…letting go.

Richard and I went back to my house and ate strawberries, drank champagne and fell in love. That skydiving adventure was the first of our adventures together. I pulled out my bucket list and wrote that day’s date next to “#2. Skydive.”

Reaching my terminal velocity from three miles up was pretty scary. But that skydive was not the scariest thing I’ve ever done. It created the most adrenaline, but it wasn’t the scariest.

When Richard was diagnosed with leukemia three years later–that was the scariest thing I’ve ever lived through. It, too, had a rush and a roar and confusion and panic at the beginning. So much effort to get him BETTER. To get him cured. Then he reached his terminal velocity and there was the slow fall, the silence, the hard landing. Having the wind knocked out of me. Staggering up again after he died. THAT was the scariest thing I ever did.

To read more of the scary stories generated from this prompt, click on over to Mommy Loves Martinis where we’re all linked up! Her tale of being a broke ass teen mother in Spanish Harlem is not to be missed.

Your Permission Slip

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Back in 2008, I signed myself up for boot camp with a single goal: I wanted to be able to do a military style REAL push-up by my 40th birthday. Three weeks later, I did three!

Three months in, after running and working out three days a week in the company of my compatriots at WoW! Boot Camp, I felt better than I had ever felt about my body. Not that it was getting thin–but I was getting STRONG. I decided to jump on the bandwagon and sign myself up for a 5K.

But to train for a 5K, I needed to increase my cardio training, which meant I would need to do some work on my own. In the daylight. Without my coach. And someone who wasn’t also a member of the group might see me…exercising. So my coach came up to me one morning (at 5:WTH30 in the morning) and asked if I had a training plan. I stuttered, “Um, well, I thought I would start using the elliptical in my basement until I can do about 45 minutes worth because that will equate to about the same amount of effort…” She looked at me sideways and said, “Nobody ever ran a 5K on an elliptical. Why don’t you go outside and run?” The immediate answer in my head was “Because someone might see me and laugh,” but I knew better than to say that to April. I didn’t have an answer for her. She suggested that I map out a 1.5 mile route from my house and go out and back, running as much as I could and walking the rest until I could work up to running the whole thing. Easy Peasy.

I was terrified to run in public because I felt like I needed a permission slip. Wouldn’t “real” runners laugh at me if they saw in my $124 New Balance shoes and my double reinforced titanium running bra, size 40G (the G is for GOTDAMMM!)? I took my dog with me so I could use him as an excuse to be out in public, taking up sidewalk, breathing the fresh air and pretending I was an athlete. I started to run. Just run. I went at night so no one would see me, or on Sunday mornings when the mean people might be busy at church or still in jail.

No test to pass. No license to earn. No membership card. Just run.

I finished my first 5K on a rainy Saturday morning. I had to walk some. Everyone there was nice to me. I was scared to look over my shoulder during the race because I thought the only thing still behind me was the police car bringing up the rear. But I did it and I was so proud of myself that I wore my number straight to a Weight Watchers meeting.

So let this quote from John Bingham be your permission slip. It doesn’t even have to be about running. Replace the word “run” with sing, zip line, act, date, write, blog, swim, whatever you wish you had permission to do.

Scientia Et Pietas

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Tonight I had dinner with my friend, Tara, who writes “I Might Need a Nap.” There ain’t nothing in this world that two fishbowl margaritas (both mine!) and a three-hour talk can’t fix. Well, maybe not full on fix but at least make a far sight better.

Pardon me, gentle readers–it seems that tequila makes me talk like Ellie Mae Clampett. I shall clutch my pearls at myself forthwith.

We have known each other since Governor’s Honors in 1985 and we both ended up at Wesleyan College. We talked about raising kids, the fish tacos in Hawaii, ICU waiting room chairs, Jesus, cheer moms, first husbands, high grass snakes, The Young and the Restless, The Witch of Blackbird Pond, and churches that rely on PowerPoint. We talked until my voice gave out.

I wrote this haiku once when I lost my voice:

I croak, squeak then try to speak.

My little one asks,

“Mom, are you leaving your voice?”

Word were new to Vivi at the time and she got “losing” and “leaving” mixed up…but dang if she didn’t hit on something. I don’t mind the periodic losing of my voice–I’ve usually run it into the ground through excessive use, not neglect. Losing my voice gives me a reason to hush, to rest, to listen.

But leaving my voice? Oh, I’ve done that too. Those are the times that make me sad when I look back. The times I didn’t speak up for myself. The times I didn’t ask for what I needed. The times I left a question unasked. The times I witnessed injustice and didn’t say anything. Or the times I saw injustice and ONLY said something about how wrong it was but didn’t do anything to fix it. Those are times when I left my voice.

Bare Bulb Coffee and the Women of Wesleyan…two groups that are changing the world for the better

As we were saying goodbye in the parking lot, Tara pressed a small gift into my hand. She said, “We’re both red clay girls and I thought of you because this is made from red clay.” I looked at the small medallion under the street light and thought at first that it was an alien head (might have been the two margaritas talking…and just for the record, I was walking back to my hotel on the other side of the parking lot). Tara works with an organization called Bare Bulb Coffee. It’s a coffee shop/community center/art gallery/church/social service organization with a Quiche of the Day and an actual plan for righting some of the wrongs in the world. Nikki Collins McMillan is the Ministry Director and Head Percolator…and another Wesleyan Woman.

The shape on the medallion and the name of Bare Bulb Coffee both hearken back to the coffee farmers who grow the fair-trade beans used by Bare Bulb. Tara told me, “In the homes in that region, you walk into their houses and there’ll be a string with a bare light bulb hanging down.” I croaked, “Oh yeah! My Grandmama Eunice had one of those over the dining room table!” Tara replied, “No…that’s the thing. There’s no electricity wired to the houses. It’s just a string. The bare bulb is a symbol of hope.”

On the Wesleyan College seal, the official motto of the college reads Scientia Et Pietas–“knowledge and responsibility.” Tara and Nikki have taken their knowledge and translated it into service to those among us who are underserved. I can’t think of two better examples of Wesleyan alumnae who are making a difference in this world. They’re using their voices and that gives me hope.

Also on the Wesleyan College seal, the seated figure of Wisdom holds forth a laurel crown. Above her, a ribbon bears the words “Niminum ne crede colori.” The phrase is from Virgil and I was told back then that it meant “put not your faith in outward appearances.” I’ve always interpreted this as “don’t judge a book by its cover,” but tonight when I looked up the translation again, it turns out that Virgil addressed this line to a lovely youth. The words in their full context mean: “Oh, handsome child, trust not too much in your youthful color.” So I guess that’s more of a “pretty is as pretty does” or “looks won’t last, honey.”

These women? Nikki and Tara? They are women I first met when we were all handsome children glowing with youthful color. They’ve grown older and wiser. They give me hope. They make me proud. They make me want to do more with my voice.

Changing the Way I See Things

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Totally not me because I never could get my Dorothy Hamill haircut. But those are the sweet, sweet spectacles that I loved.

When I was in third grade, my mom took me over to Dr. Hammett’s office in LaGrange. He was “the eye doctor” and I loved going there because the front desk had a bowl of Kraft caramels on it and every now and then one of those fudge ones would show up…SCORE.

That’s exactly how I felt when Dr. Hammett told my mom that I would need glasses. I knew that I was not supposed to want glasses but I really did want them. I thought they would make me interesting. And I would be able to read and read and read and read. So I tried not to smile while I heard the news. I picked out a pair from the kids’ rack–they were called “Cherry Swirl” and they were AWESOME.

Glasses didn’t stay awesome for long, for all the usual reasons. Blind at the pool. Contacts are itchy. Fingerprints. Four eyes. Sweat. They slide down, get knocked off, scratch too easily.

I loved my Cherry Swirl glasses for about a year then I tolerated glasses for another 33 years.

Then one magical day, my car was paid off and I saw an email about $1000 off laser vision correction and I decided that it was time. I went to the seminar and found out that it could work for me. I had the money for it. I got over my concerns about the slim slim chance of ending up with worse vision. Last April, I did it. I signed the papers, paid the bill, swallowed a Valium (#18!) and lay down on a table. Srrrrrrrt. One laser made my vision blurry. Then they walked me two steps to the next table and Srrrrtttt blip blip blip runk runk ruuuunk…and I could see. Seriously. I stood up and read the time off the clock across the room. It was 11:40. Thirty four years of not being able to see then I could see. Just like that.

The day after the procedure, I gathered up all my old glasses and prescription sunglasses and stuffed them in the donation box for charity. It felt so liberating! I could lie on my side and read a book. I felt safer around the pool because I could see my kids clearly. We went to the beach and I saw fish jumping out in the distance. I could wear regular old sunglasses from Target. Even working out was better because I could sweat all I liked without my glasses slipping down my nose during push-ups.

But this isn’t an extended testimonial about the powers of laser vision correction. It’s about changing habits and changing situations in life. With the speed of a laser and a few thousands dollars, I changed my situation. But this morning, I did what I always do–I turned off the alarm, swung my legs over the side of the bed, then reached for my glasses. It’s been a year, but my body still follows that habit of 34 years. It happens when I am sleepy and running on my lizard brain. Habits are like that–they are grooves that my body has gotten used to. They once served a purpose, but now I might still be doing them without the need to. Habits don’t always recognize when a situation has changed. Think about an alcoholic–the minute they decide to stop drinking, the situation has changed. The habit of wanting to drink takes longer to retrain.

The week after the laser eye surgery, I started ripping down the ugly fruit wallpaper in the kitchen that I had resented for eight years. In a couple of days, we redid the kitchen counters, the appliances, the walls. FINALLY. It felt like I had shaken something loose. The eye surgery had inspired me to change other situations. Some things really can be fixed just. like. that. It only requires making the decision to change.

There was a time when running was a habit for me and I want to get back to that. I simply need to do it. I could spend eight years or thirty years to think about it and plan for it and worry over it, or I could put on my shoes tomorrow and run. Well, probably walk and then run down a hill. I can change the situation quickly, even though the habit will take longer to recover.

Sound familiar? What’s got you scared to change?

Do you have something that’s been nagging at you? What are you tired of? What part of it is a habit and what is a situation? Can the situation be changed? How can you retrain the habit?

Now I’m going to bed and I bet you a dollar I reach for the phantom glasses in the morning. And I’ll smile.

I’m Coming Out

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Saturday, April 20, 2013
about 4pm on a really good day

Hi, this is me.

I was trying to edit my “About” page for this blog and I realized that I’ve been hiding. I can tell all kinds of stories about heartache and empowerment and rebuilding, but I have been afraid to just show ME. So today I am coming out of the photo booth.

Most of y’all have known me since I wiped my nose on my sleeve, but some of you are strangers. Hello to all. My name is Ashley and I am the Baddest Mother Ever!

This picture was emailed to me yesterday from a photo booth that I sat in last weekend. It was Alumnae Weekend at my alma mater (Kathy Bradley, author of “Breathing and Walking Around” taught me that the phrase means “nourishing mother”). I had a fantastic weekend, filled with stomach-lurching challenges (like leading a formal meeting with 1000 people, fire, and an organist) and breathtaking successes (that meeting, even with a couple of glitches). I made new friends who graduated before I was born. I hugged necks of friends I hadn’t seen in 20 years. I met our oldest graduate, 106 and there for her 85th reunion. My spirit was nourished. I challenged myself, rewarded myself, believed in myself.

And look at how it shows on my face! Normally, pictures of me make me see wrinkles and gray and extra chins, but this picture…I can’t help but smile at myself. I LOOK LIKE MYSELF.

Five Things I Love About This Picture

My whole face is smiling, even behind my ears.
I am wearing something colorful that says, “Hey, look at me!” instead of something drab that says, “Nothing to see here, move along.”
I went into the photo booth wearing a pair of ridiculously huge, bedazzled sunglasses but I put them on my head so I could see myself.
That necklace is made from my late husband’s wedding ring. I don’t wear it often because I have a toddler who likes to grab things.
My gray hair looks kind of like highlights.

How long has it been since you posted a picture of yourself on Facebook? Yesterday, I saw Nicki making a muscle she’s worked hard to earn. Today, Alice was having breakfast with her son. Lucy had some cute hair going on. Kimberly’s son is taller than she is. Felicia is at the paddock. What are the rest of you doing?

Your babies are adorable. Your cats couldn’t be cuter. And that lunch you had yesterday…yum! But let’s see more pictures of you! It’s my challenge to you today. Post that pic of YOU.

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Five Things I Love About This Picture

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