Bye, Felicia–I Got Things To DO.

oh noBefore I tell the story of how I was a totally unrepentant jerk this evening, let me preface it with a couple of facts:

  1. Kroger at 6 p.m. on a Monday in a college town is a lot like the Hunger Games right after the cannon goes off. Don’t be wandering in between me and the Cornucopia. The odds will never be in your favor.
  2. I’m older and have more insurance. If you don’t recognize that reference, go read “Fried Green Tomatoes.” TOWANDA!!!!
  3. If you haven’t heard “Bye, Felicia!” it’s time to rent the movie “Friday.” Or ask a teenage girl.
  4. I went to therapy today so fools, whiners, jokers, and malcontents are forewarned.

OK, so there I was in the Kroger parking lot at 6 p.m. on a Monday night. Three hungry kids at home and not a can of soup in the cupboard. I was crack-a-lackin’ because we were lackin’ crackers. I had made three circuits of the parking lot in search of a spot–no luck.

towandaI turn right up an aisle and spy an empty spot on the left side. At the same time, a little red car turns down the aisle from the other end. We both stop at the open spot then she drives on past. I figured I had won the showdown at the KRO Corral.

Just as I start turning left into the parking space, I see the red car backing up straight at me.

I honk.

She hits the brakes then honks.

I’m halfway into the parking space but stop because I don’t want to clip her. Both of us have our windows down.

She sticks her head out the window and wails, “I was BACKING IN!”

I stick my head out my window and say, “Honey, it looks to me like you drove past an empty space and I took it.”

“But I’m BACKING IN!”ice cube

“You weren’t signaling.”

“I WAS BACKING IN!!”

I inched my car a little farther into the spot, thinking about Kathy Bates in “Fried Green Tomatoes” when she crushes a teeny car belonging to a couple of smart-mouthed young girls.

She huffed, “That is so RUDE!”

Rude? Maybe. I call it more of a difference of opinion.

I flapped my hand in her general direction and said, “I’ve got things to DO. Bye, Felicia!”

Sometimes? On a Monday? When I’ve spent most of my day (week, month, life) making sure everyone else gets everything they need? When it’s 6 p.m. and I’m burning daylight and gas trolling the Kroger lot instead of being at home with my kids?

Times like that, I don’t mind being a jerk.

felicia

14 thoughts on “Bye, Felicia–I Got Things To DO.

  1. Amanda Harris

    I almost ALWAYS back into parking spaces, but you’ve GOT to signal when you do that. So she didn’t have her signal on? Nope, that spot was definitely yours 🙂

    Reply
  2. MaryEllen Miller

    I don’t generally like to say things like “the older I get,” but…the older I get, the more likely I am to pull a “Bye Felicia” on somebody. I just don’t have the time or the patience for certain kinds of nonsense anymore! Hope your Tuesday is super groovy!

    Reply
  3. Chris Antenen

    As I creep into my dotage, I find my TOWANDA may lack some of its volume, but it’s still around when needed. Spot was yours for above reasons, but don’t ever claim MY parking space, because my ‘older and have more insurance’ trumps yours. I’m not driving that Buick tank anymore, but we bought the one Shaq O’Neal can get into. It’s Ooh la la Red. And who names a movie ‘Friday?’

    Reply
  4. mariner2mother

    Towanda!!!! Love it! Who in their right mind backs into a parking spot at a grocery store, especially when it’s really busy, and without signaling. Let’s face it, you’re older and have more insurance and definitely more balls! (Love, love, love Fried Green Tomatoes).

    Reply

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