Erh. Mah. GOOGLE. Srsly.

Yesterday’s post drew back the curtain on the exotic and intoxicating world of spam.  Today, we will delve into the other “post all new bloggers write at about this point in their blogging career”–the strange vagaries of search engine terms.

Yikes.

That’s all I have to say about that.

JUST KIDDING!  As if.

A common website metric is “search engine terms.”  That is a list of the terms, words and phrases that people typed into a search engine (like Google, Yahoo, or Bing) that eventually led them to my blog.   A blogger needs to optimize content and tagging so that her page will be “noticed” by the powerhouse search engines.  This is called SEO or Search Engine Optimization.  

The two main lessons I’ve learned from monitoring my search engine terms statistics:

  1. There are a lot of freaks out there looking for panties.  And remember that post I wrote about panties?  
  2. They cannot spell.

Some of the “panty searches” that have landed freaks on my page make me wish that the internet had *69 service so that I could click back to them and say, “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???” then forward their IP address to the cops.  {{shudder}}

Second most common search term that leads folks to Baddest Mother Ever?  Fart.  Yep, it’s like another Algonquin Round Table up in here, folks.  And it’s all because of Fartbuster.  And maybe a little because of me.  I’ve seen searches for “fart,” “I’ve farted,” “car fart” and my favorite “grandma fart panty gases.”  Okeydoke, Captain Specific.

A lot of teenagers who are angry with their mothers end up here.  They search for stuff like “baddest mum,” “worst mother ever in history of mothers,” or “my mother is baddest mother.”   If you’re in so much trouble with your mum, why are you on the internet, young lady?

I love it when people type “baddest mother blog” or “baddest mother ever” because that means you intended to end up here!  I’ve even seen a couple for “who writes baddest mother ever blog” and that makes me feel like it’s probably the Peabody Awards vetting committee or an assistant producer for The Daily Show lining up a gig.  

Today’s snapshot of search terms read like a poem to me, and I think that it captures the very essence of Baddest Mother Ever.  Here you go:

google search terms

You looking for a bunny?  How about the Country Bunny?  You had enough with leukemia?  Me, too.  Pajama pants to school?  Of course!  Ball gown dress for mommy and baby?  That’s on my life list as well!  Looking for some discount panties?  Have I got the pair for YOU!  And if you find out who invented Valium, erhmahgerd, LET ME KNOW

6 thoughts on “Erh. Mah. GOOGLE. Srsly.

  1. Miss K

    EHRMAGERD, My next door neighbor’s son should have done the “pajama pants okay for school” search yesterday and perhaps saved his mom the second run to school of the day (with appropriate pants) and not delayed our morning walk/gossip session (which is mostly about our teenagers…heh heh) so late that it seriously cut into my billable hours…okay that was perhaps just unmotivated me. Love the blog. Keep ’em coming!

    Reply
  2. bdh63

    I never looked at my search terms before. One was “Fairytale bed and breakfast texas.” Intriguing. “Fossilized fairy found in rock,” and the hunt is on. Too fun. Taylor Swifts’s hoses has me beat, as well as any about farts. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Heart To Harp

    Farts and panties, you say. I think you’ve presented convincing evidence that the bell-shaped curve for IQ in this country is skewing dangerously to the left of center. Where is Mr. Binet when we need him?!?

    Reply

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