About 10 years ago, I was renting a house that had a bad flea infestation. My three dachsies were going crazy with the scratching. My dad gave me some of the veterinary clinic grade flea bombs to clear out my house but the damn nuisances kept coming back. He told me I was going to have to spray my backyard to get them gone for good. I called him a couple of days later and said, “That was great advice! I sprayed the yard with diazepam and haven’t seen a flea since.” He chuckled and said, “I guess the fleas just don’t care enough to jump on the dogs?” I get those two fancy words mixed up: diazanon is the insecticide; diazepam is the Valium. I sprayed the yard with diazanon, not diazepam. I better add that to the “My Lowe’s” website list of preferred products.
I first tried Valium when I had my four wisdom teeth cut out at the tender age of 32. It’s the only drug I’ve ever taken that made me think, “Hey, I’d like to get to know you BETTER!” Wisely, the oral surgeon only gave me two. I liked it because I didn’t feel loopy–I just didn’t give a shit. That surgery was right around the time that Fartbuster told me about his pregnant girlfriend. He was still trying to be Mr. Nice Guy, so he volunteered to drive me back and forth to the doctor and take care of me while I was recovering. So you can see why it was attractive to have a little pill that made me not give a rat’s ass about anything.
My doctor gave me 15 Valium a couple of weeks before Richard died because I couldn’t sleep. So I’ve had a total of 17 of the little wonders in my 44 years. Which is probably why I found this next story so darn funny when it happened.
One Christmas at the grandparents’ house, my sister–The Doctor–volunteered to check over all the medications that Grandmama and Pop had in the bathroom cabinet. She spread them out on the kitchen table and began her inventory. When she came across a prescription bottle filled with Valium, she held it up with a giggle and asked, “Grandmama? What are you doing with these?”
Grandmama said, “Oh, I just take a couple when you kids are coming over!” and went right on wiping down the countertops.
The Doctor replied, “You really shouldn’t be taking them. They can be habit forming.”
Grandmama waved her hand in dismissal. “Pshhh. My doctor told me that when he first wrote the prescription, but I’ve been taking them for 30 years and never had a problem!”
Come to think of it, that might have been the year she told me what to do if I ever walked out of my panties. This explains a lot.