Yeah, yeah, I know that all newbie bloggers like myself write a post about the goofy comments that they get in spam.  But a blog of this caliber attracts a poetic class of spammer, with a certain je ne sais quoi.  I’m attracting European spammers, y’all, and not just those little weird countries.   This morning as I was checking my spam queue, I stumbled upon a couple of insightful messages that probably have more useful advice in them than anything I was planning to write today.  So here’s my newbie post about spiced ham.

I have one VERY dedicated admirador.  Here are 13 of his (I don’t know why I assume it’s a man) messages, all sent over a 36 hour period.  The spammer is from Spain, so read these in a “Most Interesting Man in the World” accent:

1. yeah, i totally agree with you.  [music to my ears, guapo!]
2. you helped me a lot indeed and reading this your article i have found many new and useful information about this subject.  [I work hard to write this stuff y’all, so it’s good to be appreciated]
3. information was very great to read.
4. very nice.
5. this site is very nice thank you. [Your well come]
6. incredibly good.  [Pelt me with the adverbs, mi amor!]
7. thanks for sharing this information. great, keep it up. [He encourages me]
8. a friend recommended this website to me, he said that your posts are the best so i came to read your post and realized he was right. congratulations for writing so well.  [Oh, so we have a mutual friend, do we?]
9. congratulations my friend, your website is awesome, i really appreciate coming here to see what you have.  [Now WE’RE friends!]
10. this website makes the difference, not all bloggers have the gift to explain in some worlds something so perplexing.  [I’m making a difference…sniff]
11. this post shows the information which is close to standard. Hope next you will again post a nice article.  [Wait, WHAT?  You’re saying I’m ALMOST standard and need to get back to nice articles?  Screw you, Senor.]
12. could you tell me when you’re going to update your posts? [Oh, now I don’t call you enough?  N-E-E-D-Y]
13. All the best.  [I think we just broke up]

When I go through a spammer breakup like that, I’m going to stress eat.  Which is OK, because sometimes I get cooking tips like this missive on ipods, spanking and feeding your loved ones:

“lifespan of a pre-owned ipod is about 1.5 a number of most consumed iPods may be presented or swapped for brand spanking new ipods shopping around. as well as some feed them inside their loved ones and near friends.” [huh.  maybe I can find a crock pot recipe for ipods on Pinterest]

Other spammers can tell that this breakup has been hard on me.  One sent some beauty advice:

“Your teeth whitening in Illinois is important so that people provide that perfect smile. In addition, you will gain your current old confidence back. No more tight- lipped look”  [I would love to get my current old confidence back…now how do I get to Illinois?]

That was followed with either fashion advice or some kind of technical writing erotica…or maybe a commentary on the recent papal election:

The actual outfit quantities ended up gone on the right breasts. The shorts used to be khaki in order to duplicate the color as well as material used where technology. That Cardinals.

Anywho.  Spammers are people too and they’re just trying to make connections in this wide world.  These are two comments I got from spammers on a post about the death of my husband:

• It’s nearly impossible to find experienced people for this topic!  Thanks!  [Then they offered me a knockoff Michael Kors handbag at Kuala Lumpur prices as a sympathy gift.]
• Inspiring story there. What occurred after? Thanks!  [Um…he was still dead?]

And finally, I think ee Cummings is following my blog:

I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.
The sketch is attractive, your authored material stylish.
nonetheless, you command get got an impatience over that
you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again as exactly the same nearly very often inside
case you shield this increase.

I hope you enjoyed this post and didn’t get got an impatience over that.  If you did, simply come further formerly again.  Shield this increase.  Namaste.