…the most frustrating traffic isn’t the Monday morning commute, but the Sunday night grocery store aisles.  Those babies don’t know how to shop.  Bless your heart if you need something from the cereal or pasta aisle.  Shopping carts should be equipped with horns.  That’s why I shop 15 minutes after kickoff.

…you know that ping pong balls are sold in the beer aisle.  Tennis balls are in sporting goods.  Cheese balls go on sale 15 minutes after kickoff.

…you plan your entire weekend around the football schedule.  Like this morning, I suggested we go out for pancakes and my Brasilian baby daddy said, “Are you crazy?  At 9:00 a.m. on the morning after a home game?”  He was right.  And he doesn’t even watch American football.  It’s “not real futbol because they don’t even use their FEET.”

…your daughter thinks that woolly boots, cutoff shorts and a glittery scarf make a cute outfit for first grade picture day.  She’ll probably ask for a flat iron for Christmas.

…the billboard beside the movie theater proclaims, “$7000–EGG DONORS NEEDED!”  I guess that beats student loan debt.

…you risk your life at every four-way stop because Lord only KNOWS what formula these young people use to decide who goes first.  I think it is based on the Kelley Blue Book resale value of your car.  Or the obverse of the cumulative GPA of the driver and all passengers.

…flip flops are appropriate attire for anything short of a job interview.

…there are not just one but TWO services that will deliver hot, freshly baked cookies to your residence and they will not ask any untoward questions about smoky air or strange smells.  Or so they say.