Pledge, Vaseline, and Vocabulary: It’s Slippery at Our House

cussLast night, as G was ordering Chinese food and I was picking the right pair of stretchy pants for my dinner out with friends, Carlos went exploring.

That never ends well.

The night before, while the rest of us were finishing dinner, Carlos had gotten into the industrial size container of Vaseline still lurking in the baby cabinet.  He slicked down his hair (still trying to get that out).  He coated the floor in the hall.  He wiped it in the fringe on the edge of Mommy’s favorite rug.  He painted EVERY doorknob with the goo.  Wiped it across his rug and up a recliner.  Stuck it in the grooves of a louvered closet door. You get the picture.  (PRO TIP:  Vaseline makes hardwood floors really shiny, but they’re kind of treacherous.)

So just as I slipped into the elastic waist pants that say “La Dolce Vita pasta special please,” I heard Vivi shout, “Carrrrr-LOS!”

G and I both came running towards the kitchen.  Carlos ducked into the pantry and hid behind the dog food bag.  Luckily, the wall of lemon scent that accosted our noses warned us not to take another step forward.  That kid had used a can of Pledge to turn the kitchen floor into a skating rink of lemony goodness.  I held on to the cabinets as I worked my way over to the paper towels.  G and I each put a few paper towels under each foot and started sliding around the linoleum to clean up the mess as safely as possible.  We both managed not to slip.

Our kids aren’t as smart.  I blame myself that they’re not more aware of the side effects of cleaning products.  They haven’t had much exposure.

Carlos trotted out of the pantry giggling and promptly slipped on the mess of his own creation, ass over tea kettle.  He started crying.  Which brought Vivi from the den.  More ass, more tea kettle.  Two kids down and I’m trying not to laugh but the fumes from the lemony miasma had worked their way into my lizard brain.

After it was cleaned up, Vivi and I went back to the den and flopped on the couch.  She picked up her Hardy Boys Mystery, but before she opened it she said, “That Carlos sure makes a lot of messes.”

I, ever mindful of increasing her vocabulary, replied, “Indubitably!  He is a little scamp!”

And she answered, “Imagine when he grows up–he’ll be an even bigger asshole.”

Whoops. Seems like I have slipped after all.

20 thoughts on “Pledge, Vaseline, and Vocabulary: It’s Slippery at Our House

  1. Michelle

    So, two thoughts… One, it seems that he is getting an early start prepping for frat house pranks, and two … holiday on ice family style. OK … three… that Vivi … what a HOOT!

    Reply
    1. WordPress.com Support

      That’s what I thought too when I saw he had done the doorknobs–dude knows how to prank!

      Reply
  2. Leigh

    OMG!!!! I am laughing so hard I’m crying, literally. Reminds me of the time that Pete and Nancy covered our kitchen floor with dawn dishwashing detergent. Oh the joys of parenthood. At least we get to sit back and laugh!!!!

    Reply
  3. Wendy Zamora (The Olive Gal)

    Hehehe….ass over tea kettle. I could very much see this all going down. Thankfully, my three-year-old is more interested in the tupperware than he is the cleaning products (though he’s taken to writing on them with sharpies, so….that’s not so great). Your Vivi does sound like a hoot, though! How do you not high-five them when they swear so effectively?!?!

    Reply
    1. WordPress.com Support

      she is pretty good at it! But she’s still so young that I remind her, “that’s a grownup word to be used by grownups, to grownups.” We’ll see how that goes!

      Reply
  4. Chris Antenen

    What did you expect from Vivi (still love the name) when you slipped so easily into Jimmy Durante land? Inka dinka doo?

    If you are too young to remember Jimmy, play the sound track from Sleepless in Seattle for old lp’s that have been digitized. He will indubitably make you laugh.

    Reply
  5. Jenna Hatfield

    Oh man. I snort-laughed so hard. This is epic. (And now I need to go hide the Pledge.)

    (I’m just now getting around to subscribing to all of my fellow VOTY readers’ blogs. I look forward to reading your words on the regular.)

    Reply
  6. Katia

    Best. Ending. Ever. I’m so impressed with your graceful vocabulary under critical circumstances (and equally impressed with the kids’ ability to summarize)… 🙂

    Reply
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