Yeah, here’s why Pinterest can kiss my shiny white ass. While other moms are out there making craft fair table scapes and snow cream and sugar cookie silhouettes from their family tree, here are just a FEW of my scrapbook worthy moments from the last 48 hours.
- Carlos yells, “NAKE! NAKE!” from the den so I drop the can opener and come running. Last weekend we had a field mouse in the house, so a snake isn’t that far out of the question. It wasn’t a snake, just a long, sinuous strand of cat barf. A good foot long and patterned much like an Eastern Diamondback, so I gave the boy credit for rudimentary wildlife identification skills. And I cleaned it up.
- On Wednesday, in between the sleet and the freezing rain and the fears of losing power and limbs crashing down on us, I took the kids out in the back yard for a little sledding. Vivi had a couple of good runs down the hill, made it all the way to the fence by the river. Carlos asked for “Carlos Turn!” so I put him on the sled and pulled him gently down the hill with the tow rope. Then we stopped to rest. As I gazed about on this scene of winter frivolity, marveling at my skills as a mother and making memories for my children, I forgot that sleet is much slicker that snow. He hooched a little bit and the sled took off again. He squealed with delight…then slammed right into the big yellow slide attached to our playfort. No worries, though, his eyebrow stopped the ridge of plastic from going straight through his brain. First black eye. Let me get that in the scrapbook!
- That close call playing over and over and over again in my head was why I was up until 4 a.m. that night.
- So on Thursday, things were looking up. We hadn’t lost power. We hadn’t run out of food or high speed internet. The kids were playing. Snow twinkled on the ground and melted down the gutters. But after the previous day’s incident, I decided not to chance it with taking Carlos outside. Instead, we went out to dinner then stopped by Target to pick up a few things and let the kids stretch their legs. Carlos stretched his legs ably…until he tripped and landed face first on the tile floor with a sickening wet thump like a cantaloupe sailing into a fence (bear with my bad similes. I’m exhausted.) But no worries! He landed DIRECTLY on the his right eyebrow, site of the previous black eye. Please explain this to DFCS when we take him back to school after all this snow day fun!
- Then Friday came and G had to go back to work. I took a half day so I could work a little to maintain my sanity but also have time to take the kids out of the house and burn off some of this energy. Pump It Up was having an extra open play session, so we headed on over. Vivi took off with a screech for the tallest slide without a look back. Carlos clung to me like a monkey because–oh, have I mentioned how my son doesn’t like crowds or loud noises or chaotic environments? Yeah, I wasn’t really thinking when I picked an indoor inflatable play space on Day Four of Snowmaggedon (also known as Pain in the Ice or Clusterflake). He finally calmed down when he found a plastic car abandoned in the corner. We played quietly while Vivi ran around screaming. Seriously, in Lord of the Flies, she would be queen of the island. One of the newer inflatables is a tee ball thingy, where balls float above a jet of air so that kids can whack them with a plastic bat. Carlos LOVED it. Can you see where this is going? Yep. Three minutes before we were supposed to leave, he got a little too close to the other 3 year old who was wielding the bat and SMACK. Fat lip. Blood everywhere. Shrieking. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth. Side eye from the other mothers. Most of whom were sitting there quietly cruising Pinterest on their phones while their children played without losing their hair bows or slinging body fluids on the toys.
- By the time we got home and put the poor beaten up kid down for a nap, I decided that I needed one too. I set Vivi up with my computer to watch Sheriff Callie’s Wild West. Victoria was snuggled up on the couch reading One Direction fan fiction on her iPad. I crept off to bed with my book. When I woke, the den looked….different. Vivi had decided to fix herself a snack. Of honey. Which is best eaten with her fingers, y’know. It wasn’t even ORGANIC honey–suck it, Pinterest. It was Sue Bee honey in a motherlovin’ PLASTIC bear. And now it is on my couch, love seat, door knobs, computer, books, coffee table, carpet, kitchen counters, throw blanket, pillows…and in my daughter’s hair.
More power to the people who can do this:
I hope they don’t choke on gingham or fall face first into a glitterized snow cone swath. I certainly would never wish them washi tape poisoning or anything so crass. I hope their Depression era cream ware always matches and their kids never get pinkeye or scribble on that milk paint china cabinet.
Here’s what my snow day memories look like:
I’ll protect him from snakes, take him out in the world, pick him up when he falls, kiss his fat lips, and let him snuggle up in my bed eating Reese’s Pieces from Target. That’s my boy.