The Lingering Effects of Schwag Bag Fever

1077092_10201005437611169_957169604_oI spent three hours in a free-Moscato-sample-fueled haze at the BlogHer conference Expo on Thursday night.  It was a star-studded affair.  The Pillsbury Dough Boy was there.  I got a picture taken with him and resisted poking him in the belly.  I met THE Dr. Boudreaux of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste fame.  I KNOW, RIGHT????  I said, “I’ve been putting you on my babies’ butts for six years!”  I’m sure he’s used to that kind of outburst.

The glamour got to be overwhelming.  HERE!  Try our fish sticks!  How about a sample of make your own soda?  Do you back1074606_10201005438371188_699236233_o up with Carbonite?  Would you like some free leopard print press on nails?  Have you ever tried a mochachocalattefrappesmoothie made in our high-speed blender?  Do you have heavy periods—sing karaoke in our booth!  Try more wine!  This frozen meal has less salt than an African elephant!  More wine?  Have a pedometer, compliments of Coke because we are all about FITNESS!  Tapioca pudding?  Tweet us and get a free Mojito Madness nail polish!  Did you know Best Buy sells hair care products?  These cookies brought to you by Land o Lakes!

I flirted with the sexy chefs from Lean Cuisine who were passing out champagne.  I spoke earnestly with the women from St. Jude’s.  I showed baby photos to the guy from wemontage, which prints your pictures onto removable wallpaper…cool!  I schlepped and schmoozed and schvitzed.

Then I crashed.

I lurched back to the serenity of my hotel room only to find that Steve Harvey and the makers of Windex had crept in while I was out to leave me a little sumpin sumpin on the bed.  Brown-chicken-brown-cow!  (If you sing that, it makes that porny music sound….bow chicka wow wow)

Here are a few of my favorite WTF moments from the schwag fest:

1074396_10201005381289761_339844213_oI’m not even sure what this doohickie from Verizon does.   Miniature fire plug?  It looks like a cigarette lighter with a USB port.  Any guesses?

1072578_10201005381649770_1995604501_oToothpaste that is 99% natural…which raises the question—what the hell is that 1%???  The blood of alien babies?

S132896_10201005383569818_1516192937_oilver and black crackle finish press on nails?  That’s got ME written all over it!

Coffee mugs, coconut water, bleach tablets, books, grocery totes, skin care products, nail polish…now I know why there is a FedEx office in the hotel.  To ship all this crap home!

Maybe it’s time for some Baddest Mother Ever giveaways!1073753_10201005383049805_427336017_o

11 thoughts on “The Lingering Effects of Schwag Bag Fever

      1. Anita_Sarah

        Thank you for this post and these comments! I realized it was a USB car charger port and that I can actually use it for charging my iPad. yay!

  1. Miss K

    It may have been a hypothetical question, but the Verizon doohickey is exactly what it looks like. Plugs in to your cig lighter (do they still have those?) or other charging port in your vehicle and you can charge your phone, tablet, etc. with the little USB cord that usually comes with it.

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  2. Virginia Wilcox

    If you see the Butt Paste dude let him know when my mom was bed ridden toward the end and had horrible bed sores the ONLY thing that worked on them was butt paste…we bought it by the sackfuls and then her pharmacy stopped carrying it. She called the company and they sent her a box of it…I think we may still have some from that box somewhere. It is my go to gift for a new mom…every time!

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  3. Casey Bozeman

    In my previous life in sales, I occasionally hopped in the Pillsbury Doughboy costume at “food shows”. Which are just as awesome as they sound. …At least the first 467 times 😉 Anyway, that’s a good lookin’ Doughboy you met there! Sounds like an AWESOME trip!!

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