She Said, He Heard…on Valentine’s Day

Honey, he’s trying.  He really is.  He even ASKED you what you wanted for Valentine’s Day this year.  Unfortunately…

 SHE SAID:  “I want to feel sexy again, like when we were dating.”

HE HEARD:  Gift certificate for vaginal rejuvenation.

SHE SAID:  “A snuggle.”

HE HEARD:  A Snuggie.

SHE SAID:  “I want something sweet, but not chocolate.”

HE HEARD:  A fruitcake from the gas station.

SHE SAID:  “Pampering at the spa.”

HE HEARD:  Brazilian wax coupon book.

SHE SAID:  “Jewelry.”

HE HEARD:  Earrings from the gas station.

SHE SAID:  “Quality time together.”

HE HEARD:  Gift basket of porn.

SHE SAID: “Surprise me!”

HE HEARD:  Crickets.

"The Break-Up Letter" by Alfred Emile-Léopold Stevens circa 1896

“The Break-Up Letter” by Alfred Emile-Léopold Stevens circa 1896

This post was inspired by my first husband, hereafter known as Fartbuster (not to be confused with my late husband or my baby daddy…try to keep up, everyone).  We were together for 10 years and he sent me roses on Valentine’s Day exactly once–AFTER we had been separated for almost a year.  When they were delivered to my office, I honestly thought that he had gotten mixed up and sent some other woman’s flowers to my address.  There was even a card.  I read it in front of a close friend.  The card said, “You’re always in my heart.”  My friend snorted and added, “…just not in my HOUSE.” 

I called to thank him.  He said sheepishly, “I guess it took me a while to figure this out.”  Y’think???  I have to divorce you to get a triflin’ Valentine’s Day bouquet?  My life is too short to deal with that steep of a learning curve.  Buh-bye. 

If you want to read a less cynical take on Valentine’s gifts, check out my post entitled “Boop.”  Bittersweet, but light on the bitter, heavy on the sweet.  May you all find love today, most especially from yourself, to yourself.

12 thoughts on “She Said, He Heard…on Valentine’s Day

  1. Michelle

    I must admit I was spoiled on Valentine’s pretty regularly when I had a “corporate job” – somehow working from home interfered with the “showing off” of lavish flowers and gifts. I do hope that will be changing this year, though. 🙂 Loving Baddest Mother – keep up the great work.

  2. Jennifer (Word Witch) Johnson

    I used to date a guy who would give me flowers and dance with me, but he also would say he’d call me or we’d go out, then not show up, so he ruined those romantic gestures. My present sweetheart cooks dinner every night. He fried okra for me. If he says he’ll do something, by God, he does it even if the world is falling down around us. Now that I’m a grown up–really grown up–what is attractive to me is someone I can count on. That means a lot.

    1. baddestmotherever

      Exactly! Fartbuster once told me that the essential problem in our relationship was that I didn’t trust him. That was true. But the real kicker is that AT THAT VERY MOMENT, he knew his mistress was pregnant and I didn’t even know he was cheating….but my lack of trust was the PROBLEM?

      1. Sara Amis

        Jesus, were we secretly married to the same man? That was one of J’s favorite lines as well. He also gave me a book on anger management as a Christmas present, with a note explaining that he still loved me but felt that all of our problems were because *other people* made me angry and I took it out on him.

        It’s true, I had rage issues. Since I kicked him to the curb, though, they have mysteriously disappeared.

  3. Shannon

    One of the sweetest things Scott has done for me was to wake me one morning with a handful of beautiful wild flowers he picked for me in a field. Those flowers thrilled me more than the roses he has purchased.

  4. tanyadiva

    I got a some calla lillies to grow, and my gangster necklace from Etsy (it has a line from “It was a Good Day” under glass). No performance. It was all done at home. Oh, and I spilled dinner all over the floor last night, so it ended in tears and laughter.

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