Honey, he’s trying. He really is. He even ASKED you what you wanted for Valentine’s Day this year. Unfortunately…
SHE SAID: “I want to feel sexy again, like when we were dating.”
HE HEARD: Gift certificate for vaginal rejuvenation.
SHE SAID: “A snuggle.”
HE HEARD: A Snuggie.
SHE SAID: “I want something sweet, but not chocolate.”
HE HEARD: A fruitcake from the gas station.
SHE SAID: “Pampering at the spa.”
HE HEARD: Brazilian wax coupon book.
SHE SAID: “Jewelry.”
HE HEARD: Earrings from the gas station.
SHE SAID: “Quality time together.”
HE HEARD: Gift basket of porn.
SHE SAID: “Surprise me!”
HE HEARD: Crickets.
This post was inspired by my first husband, hereafter known as Fartbuster (not to be confused with my late husband or my baby daddy…try to keep up, everyone). We were together for 10 years and he sent me roses on Valentine’s Day exactly once–AFTER we had been separated for almost a year. When they were delivered to my office, I honestly thought that he had gotten mixed up and sent some other woman’s flowers to my address. There was even a card. I read it in front of a close friend. The card said, “You’re always in my heart.” My friend snorted and added, “…just not in my HOUSE.”
I called to thank him. He said sheepishly, “I guess it took me a while to figure this out.” Y’think??? I have to divorce you to get a triflin’ Valentine’s Day bouquet? My life is too short to deal with that steep of a learning curve. Buh-bye.
If you want to read a less cynical take on Valentine’s gifts, check out my post entitled “Boop.” Bittersweet, but light on the bitter, heavy on the sweet. May you all find love today, most especially from yourself, to yourself.