Category Archives: Big Laughs

Don’t Knock It

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doorbellA quick story about Grandmama Eunice…

Grandmama was a woman of profound faith.  If the church door cracked open, she was there.  If we spent Saturday night at her house, we got up on Sunday and went to Sunday School at the Baptist church.  Then services at 11 a.m., usually at the Baptists, but if the Methodists were meeting we’d walk across the shared gravel parking lot and go to their service.  They only had services every other week.  Some days, we’d do the triple pray:  Sunday School at the Baptist church, 11 o’clock service at the Methodists, then late service at the Primitive Baptists.  On those days, she’d take along an afghan so I could take a nap on the hard wood pews.

What I’m saying is, she LOVED her some church.

One peaceful Sunday afternoon, some missionary types knocked on her front door.  Grandmama Eunice opened the door and greeted them through the screen.  They said, “Afternoon, ma’am.  We’d like to talk to you about Jesus.”

She said, “What would you like to know?”

 

Biscuits

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Vivi and I were clowning around in the parking lot at Lowe’s the other day.  

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you more.” 

“I love you the most in the universe.”

“I love you all of that, plus one.”  

“I love you eleventy fifty zillion billion more much.”

“I love you all of that, plus one.”

“I love you more than mac and cheese.”

“I love you more than butter…but a little bit less than biscuits.”

A grandmother, loading flats of zinnias into her car, had been listening to us and smiling.  When she heard about the biscuits, she hooted with laughter.  She giggled, “Imma have to get that on a t-shirt.”   

  

biscuits

 

 

 

Saturday Snort–What the Alarm Said

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duh

One time, I was teaching a 7:30 a.m class in a portable trailer classroom. Typically, Security would turn off the alarm system on their early morning rounds.  But on that day, when I arrived at 7:00 a.m. and opened the door with my key, the alarm began to shriek.  BLAP!  BLAP!  BLAP! BLAP! BLAP!  

No worries.  I picked up the phone and called Security. 

“Hey.  This is Ashley.  I’m down here in the trailer and the alarm is going off. Can you tell me the code to disable it?”  

The security officer said, “OK, ma’am.  What’s the alarm saying?”

I paused for a second.  What a dumb question, right?  

I said, “It’s saying BLAP!  BLAP!  BLAP! BLAP! BLAP!  Can’t you hear it?”

The officer chuckled and said, “I mean, what’s the error code on the alarm?”

Ohhhhhhhh….

 

 

Pooh Has a Potty Mouth

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For at least 20 years, this has been my favorite quote from Winnie the Pooh:

winnie the pooh sure of you

 

but after the last few days, I’m kind of leaning towards this one…

winnie the pooh what day is it

 

 

 

Daddy Did My Hair

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Vivi has a riotous head of fine, curly hair.  It can get a little bit snarled up while she sleeps.  My sister dubbed her “Sideshow Bob” one morning when we went to New York:

 

sideshows

 

 

A few months back, I wrote about the magical silliness that happened when Daddy Went to the Grocery Store.  This time, he went to the beauty supply aisle. God help us all.  Here’s what happened…

G is convinced that Vivi’s hair will remain silky through the night if she sleeps in a sleeping cap.  Remember those?  I sure do.  My Grandmama Eunice wore one every night to keep her hair fixed.  I was thinking of something like this:

hair net

 

Granted, the pink one is pretty grandmotherly–that’s too prim and fussy for a first grader.  But I know they make sleeping caps for kids too, something cute and practical like this:

hair net kids

That’s what I thought we were talking about when he said he had picked up a sleeping cap for Vivi while he was at Kroger.

I didn’t really expect this:

 

 

hairnet

 

What…was she robbing a 7-11 and stopped to take a nap?

It reminds me of that scene in Raising Arizona:

Raising-Arizona-Nicolas-Cage-robbery

 

The one when Hi robs the convenience store and Ed gets so mad she drives off so he has to carjack some old man who says, “Son?  You got a panty on your head.”

Tonight, she told me it’s comfortable, so she wants to sleep in it.  But she thought it was a little plain, so she duded it up with some St. Patrick’s Day leftovers:

 

hair net

 

There you go.

 

The Big Five…O…M…G

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doomcakeThe other day when I wrote about moments that I’ll remember for the rest of my life….we had one.  G’s celebrated a birthday this week.  The big 5-0.  

After many years of NOT believing him when he said that he doesn’t like a big fuss on his birthday, I’ve come around to doing things his way.  A present or two, cards from the kids, a steak dinner, a little bit of cake.   That’s what he likes, so that’s what he got this year.  Even for his fiftieth.  

We took the kids out for dinner.  Carlos didn’t have much energy.  He’s had a cold and it was turning into bronchitis–the kind of cough that makes people at other tables turn and stare.  In the car on the way over, I had taught him to say, “Happy Birthday, Daddy” but by the time we got to the restaurant, he wasn’t feeling up to it.  

We came straight home after dinner.  I put the candles on the chocolate truffle bar cake–five candles and one to grow on.  Vivi turned off the lights in the dining room and we all sang “Happy Birthday” to Daddy.  G blew out the candles…then Carlos blew out 3 candles and Vivi blew out 6.  There’s enough wishes to go around at our house.  I cut slices of cake for everyone and passed them around to the kids.  It was delicious. 

Carlos ate about half of his slice then started coughing.  G patted him on the back until the coughing subsided.  Carlos looked at him and said, “Huggy?”  Of course!  G pulled Carlos onto his lap and gave him a cuddle.  Carlos said, “Horsey?”  Of course!  G set Carlos atop his shoulders and Carlos folded his little hands over G’s bald head.  His head sank down to rest upon his hands.  So sweet.  So cute.  So lovely.

So not going to stay that way.

When the next coughing fit hit, Carlos coughed so hard that he…..

hp cake….remember that scene from the Harry Potter movie, I think the Goblet of Fire, when Dobby floats the cake over the mean lady’s head then lets it drop all over her?  

Yeah, Carlos did that to G, but it wasn’t quite so magical.  It was more gastric.  

As G sat there, dripping, he said, “Well.  Happy Birthday to me?”  

And that’s when Carlos remembered what we had practiced earlier.  He swayed there on G’s shoulders and mumbled, “Happy Birthday, Daddy.”  

G swears that it was a good birthday.  It’s certainly one we’ll talk about for a long long long time.  

Great Moments in ESL History

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clematisWhat’s “ESL” you ask?  That’s “English as a Second Language.”

My baby daddy, G, has lived in the U.S. for so long and his English is so perfect that I sometimes forget that Portuguese is his first language.  This morning was NOT one of those moments.

We were standing on the deck, surveying our kingdom….otherwise known as talking about yard projects that need to be done this spring.

“I’m going to plant those two roses by the fence today.”  He pointed in their direction with his coffee cup.

“Oh, good.  I like climbers on the fence,” I answered.

He pointed to a large pot in the corner of the pool fence.  “Looks like the chlamydia is coming back.”

WA-HUH???

“That’s ‘clematis,’ sweetie.  It’s a perennial.”

He filed that word away in his language banks then said, “Well…so is chlamydia!”

This is why I love him.