Tag Archives: nature

Learning to Breathe Air

Saturday morning, Carlos and I checked on the science project we’ve got going on the deck.

12014971_10206466226287473_8270717464672935468_o

I eased the brown plastic cover all the way off of his sandbox and propped it against the railing. Twenty little tadpoles flitted across the surface of the rainwater that has collected in there during the last part of summer. The water is nice and clear, but nice and brown too. Every few days, we throw some vegetable matter in there for them to nibble on. They like grapes. There’s shade and sun and room to practice swimming. The cats and the birds haven’t bothered them. Yet.

“Oh, look how much they’ve grown, Carlos!”

He leaned over towards the surface. “They gwowin, Mama!” He parrots what I say often. He’s learning so many new words.

“This one’s got legs!” I named that tadpole Lieutenant Dan–because he’s got new legs. I didn’t try to explain it to Carlos. He’s never made it through Forrest Gump.

"Lieutenant Dan! You got new legs!"

“Lieutenant Dan! You got new legs!”

If our shadows crossed the water, the tadpoles darted away to the safe end of the sandbox. I took a piece of pinestraw and stirred the water gently.

“Look how the big ones are hanging out right at the top of the water.”

“What they doin’ Mama?”

“They’re learning to breathe. Well, they’re learning to breathe air for when they live on land instead of in the water.”

“They breevin’ air.”

Lieutenant Dan flicked his tail and skittered a few inches away from my pinestraw. His tiny legs just hung there while his tail did all the work.

It got me to thinking about how the tadpole doesn’t know that these changes are happening. It doesn’t wake up one day and think, “Alright, today’s THE DAY. I’m gonna get me some LEGS today! Better start practicing breathing the air because I’ve got big plans for these LEGS!” That tadpole spends every day just being a tadpole. Then one day he’ll be a frog. “Gradually, then all at once,” as Hemingway said.

I spend so much of my life trying to anticipate what comes next, trying to make sure that I am ready. I try to ensure that nothing will take me by surprise, while all the while I have no idea what is coming. All this anxiety that stems from prepping for…something.

Going from breathing water to breathing air. What is it in the tadpole that pushes him up towards the top of the water, to that other world? Is it air pressure or the angle of the sun or the buoyancy in his changing body? The tadpole has to change. It has to grow and adapt to a radically different world. But it does that simply by living each minute. The change happens to the tadpole, not because of the tadpole. (This is where my therapist would clear her throat and raise one eyebrow in my general direction.)

Every one of us made the same transition. In the womb, our tiny lungs are filled with amniotic fluid. Then we leave that quiet ocean and the pressure of the atmosphere forces itself into our lungs. We answer the surprise of that invisible weight and the rush of our own blood flowing with our first great wail. The first time we comment on this world is the first time we breathe air.

Even if we never knew it was time to practice.

Holding On to Something That’s Already Gone

There’s a ghost hanging around in my backyard. It’s not hurting anyone or anything, so I’ve been hesitant to let it go. All that’s left of it is a silvery outline of the vibrant thing that used to live there, but at least that silvery shadow is something I can see. Something I can hold on to because I’m not ready to let go.

11242785_10206024302839663_3447477021232052231_o (1)

I fell hard for this hemlock tree on the afternoon that Richard and I closed on our house. Somehow, in our three visits before buying, I hadn’t noticed the hemlock tree on the right side of the backyard. I was too busy looking at the RIVER…we could have a river in our yard…WHAT? I mean, trees are nice, sure, but a river? Dang.

Once all the papers were signed and the front door key dangled on my keychain, I had more time to look around. Among all the pines and the redbuds and the scraggly crepe myrtles and the dogwoods–all the ordinary trees of my life–there stood a hemlock. I’d only seen them on weekend hikes in the North Georgia mountains. Just saying the name “hemlock” made me think of Socrates and that painting of him on his deathbed, about to drink the poison. (Just so you know, that’s the herb hemlock, not the tree. These are the kinds of things you Google when you have a hemlock tree nearby.)

One September, I made a tough choice to help the hemlock. A cherry tree crowded it from one side. Daddy and Joe told me that they could cut down the cherry to give the hemlock room to fill out. Cut down a cherry tree? I cannot tell a lie–I thought they were crazy to sacrifice something beautiful for a conifer. Couldn’t they both stay? But Daddy and Joe knew more about this sort of thing than I did, so I gave the OK–I chose the hemlock over the cherry. I hid inside while they brought the cherry down. Their advice proved right. The hemlock flourished and its deep green needles erased the memory of the cherry tree.

file000568425090

 

Those needles and tiny cones have been fading for a couple of years now. I told myself that it might be some kind of molting process. Maybe this was something that hemlocks DO now and then–turn silver and drop all their needles. The fading started at the top one year then worked its way down the trunk. The bottom branches were still green! It could bounce back, right?

I didn’t want to admit it–the tree was already a ghost by the time I accepted it. One day, a handyman looking for work rang the doorbell. He handed me his card and said, “I can clear out trees–like that big dead one you got in the back.” I practically clutched my pearls at his temerity. People could see it from the road. I had to deal with the ghost.

It’s an eyesore now. And that gets me thinking about Fartbuster and our divorce and the end of relationships in general.

I’m missing what it used to be and holding on to what’s left of it. I’m holding on to something that’s already gone.

It took a year to break from Fartbuster. We separated our daily lives when he moved out. We separated our finances when he stuck me with all the bills and the mortgage. We still went to therapy and planned on getting back together, but my love for him was turning silver, eaten away from the inside after his affair. I filled my own weekends. I went to work. I read books and I wrote and I walked the dogs and I went to movies–all on my own. I built myself a pleasant life. But when it was time to really sign the papers, I sat on my therapist’s couch and sobbed, “How can I live without him?”

She called Bullshit on that real quick. “Ashley. On a daily basis, what does he add to your life?”

Um.

One drama soaked phone call and this gaping hole in my heart where I used to be able to trust people?

She helped me see that I was holding on to something that was already gone.

Last night, a cracking thunderstorm rolled through after dark. I was sitting on the sofa when a deafening pop shook the house. It was loud enough to make the cats skitter and Huck’s ears stand up. My first thought was, “Did it get the hemlock?” Will my decision be made for me?

Like with the end of most things, the decision has been made before we let it into our hearts.

I got up early this morning to write. I’m sitting here on the screened porch in the black dark of pre-dawn, waiting to see if the ghost is still here.

Sunday Sweetness–Your Wings

There are going to be times when the place where you were resting safely falls away beneath you.  Your job disappears in a reduction in force.  He comes home late from work with lipstick on the collar.  The doctor calls you personally with some odd test results.  You hear, “We did everything we could…”  

Or it just dissolves.  One day the branch is there and the next day it’s not.  Gone.

Those moments are going to happen.  But your wings will be there in that same moment.  

bird-photo-21

I Have Loved the Stars

“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”

– Sarah Williams, “The Old Astronomer to His Pupil”

gloaming

This moment happened on my deck tonight.  I’m grateful I got to witness it.  I was sitting still with a glass of wine and dinner in the oven. The first word that slipped into my mind was “gloaming.”  That’s the tiny sliver of time between sunset and night.

Star light, star bright,
first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
I wish to have this wish tonight.
 

I’ve got this wish that I’ve been working on for a year.  In February, this blog will be one year old.  It feels like something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I’m finally doing it.  Now I want to set some goals and own them.

Goal #1:  1000 Facebook followers

Terribly close on this one.  788 at last count.

Goal #2:  100,000 page views in a year

Striking distance on this one.  Last count was around 76,000.

So, I’m owning it.  Expressing my dreams has always felt like a risk, as if dreams must be pounced upon instead of worked on diligently.  But I can either focus on the stars or dwell on the darkness.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
 

I’m nervous about this goal.  It’s time to make a plan.  When I think about the dream, I see the star in this picture–the thing that keeps me looking up.  When I think about actually getting there, I think about the river that’s in the picture, invisible in the dusk.  It’s the thing that changes the landscape through persistence, not sheer power.

Paying Attention Is Praying

Here’s a poem that seems to fit with this week.  Another jewel from Mary Oliver.  Please treat yourself to some of her books.  I have “Thirst” on my night stand right now and I read a poem a day, like savoring a dark chocolate.

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

mary oliver

There Must Be a Better Word for That

Today I spent the whole day dragged down and wrapped up in words like

governance
guidelines
script
apology
inconvenience
infection
deadline
remorse
exit
notify
meh
necessary
error message
 

My day was shaping up into a depressive haiku.

squirrelAbout 5:15, I gave up (or as I call it “threw my f*ck it flag) and left the office.  Walking back to my car, I passed a patch of tea olives and the scent tapped me on the shoulder. “Pardon me?  Miss?  The world is lovely and it’s right here.”  

A new word popped into my head:  waft.

I smiled…just a little.  The tense muscles around my face rearranged themselves gladly.  More words:  smirk, moue, whimsy.  

The sun pattering down through the oak canopy warmed my cheeks and I thought of another word:  dappled.  

A sleek squirrel scampered across the pebbled path.  We locked eyes–gazed–for a fleeting moment, then he was off.

I stopped there on the path and filled my mind with better words…

aroma
dawdle
meander
respite
breeze
soar
lilt
lark
arc
swoop
horizon
rooted
heady
 

Then I continued on my way.  Rejuvenated.  Replenished.  Refreshed.  Hopeful.  Satisfied.  

What’s the most beautiful word you know?  The most peaceful?  The word that makes you stand still?  The one that gets you going?

Just One Feather

One feather

Have you ever had that moment when a squirrel darts out into the street as you’re driving by but it’s not safe to swerve so you keep going and cringe and wait for the thump…but it never comes?  That happened this morning as Carlos and I were driving to school (well, I was driving because his license has been suspended for being a TODDLER).  The squirrel ran straight for my tire.  I cringed.  Then I peeped in the rear view mirror and didn’t see anything splattered behind me, so I figured the squirrel performed some kind of magic and ran between the tires.

Thinking about that squirrel, and a friend who lost her husband this week, and that time I lost my husband–it all made me think about how we dart between the tires all day long.  There is so much risk in being alive, so many wheels flying past us as we’re just trying to get a few acorns back to the nest.  We can’t stay in the nest with our babies or they and we would starve.  We have to go hunting for acorns when the fall makes them plentiful.  It’s risky, but it’s why we survive.

Perhaps I should switch to decaf because I really do a LOT of thinking before the sun is high in the sky.

Once we got to school, I opened the car door to lift Carlos out of his seat.  His face lit up like we hadn’t seen each other in days.  He squealed, “MOMMY!” and flung himself into my arms.  I stood there between the minivans with my face buried in the dark curls under his ear and told him how I loved him more than anything else in the world.  How I would do anything to keep him safe and happy and growing.  He whispered, “Gotcha, baby,” and squeezed me between his tiny arms.   That’s what I usually say every morning when I pick him up from his car seat.  When he’s upset or startled or crying, I hold him tight and say, “Mommy’s got you.  Mommy’s got you.  You’re OK.”  I guess he could feel that I needed that this morning.

It’s all just so much some days.  Like walking across a tightrope and you can’t resist looking down.

On my walk into my office, I did look down.  And there lay a soft gray feather on the sidewalk.  I love feathers.  The hollow shaft that makes it strong and light–the only reason a bird can fly with all that architecture and not be weighed down.  The fluffy tuft of down for warmth because it’s cold when you get far away from the earth.  The gentle curve, like the curve of the horizon where the earth ends and the sky begins.

It takes thousands of miraculous feathers to make an ordinary sparrow.  Just like us, that tiny bird is a hodgepodge of miracles that all seem to work most of the time.  Soft and warm, hollow and light, brave and gentle.

But here’s the lesson I got from that feather on the sidewalk:  it was just one feather, one feather of a thousand that make up that bird.  Loss is real and loss affects us.  Loss may even slow us down or ground us for a while.  But it’s just one feather.  That bird flew on without it.

The squirrel made it back to the nest.  Carlos made it to the story rug.  Mommy made it to her desk.  The sparrow continued to soar.

Peace to you today if you are feeling afraid.  You can still fly, even as you lose feathers along the way.

Wordless Wednesday: Plato and the Turtle

It’s the middle of the week, my friends!  So what have we covered so far?  

You get good at what you practice.  

Practice Makes Progress.  

And now a few words from my buddy, Plato, and a baby sea turtle:

Plato on Progress

If you know someone who is plugging along, share this message with some encouragement!  Have a great day.  

Permeability

We are made up of what we feed ourselves.

We are made up of what we feed ourselves.

I have lost my mojo.  Misplaced my mojo.  OK, to be honest, my mojo has been devoured by zombies this week.

There’s a marathon of The Walking Dead on AMC so I’ve been catching up on the first two seasons of this awesome show.  Now I finally understand why Carol is so quiet and how Maggie and Glen met and when Carl learned to shoot and why everyone hated Lori and just how much, how very much, I love Daryl.  So much that I want to give him a long hot bath and cut his forelock.  Mmm, mmm, MMM.  I do love a man with a crossbow and a steady moral compass.  

Fifteen hours of zombie dystopia packed into three days may have been a tad too much.  I have been sad, paranoid and unfocused for days.  Granted, some of it has to do with staying up past midnight too many times in a row.  I’m lethargic from sitting on the couch.  The house is going to pot and the refrigerator is empty.  I haven’t been writing like I was.  I worry that I don’t have the skills to protect myself and my children in the event of an outbreak of zombie fever.  I can shoot, but only if they stand still.  I can forage, but mostly in Kroger.  I can survive in the wild, as long as I have a car charger and wi-fi.  I would be as vulnerable as T-Dog in a red Star Trek shirt.  This knowledge is BRINGING ME DOWN.  

The fatigue is eating my brain from the inside.  So when a lady flipped me off after I had let her into traffic, I let it get to me for a whole day.   When my daughter complains about dinner, it hurts my feelings.  If the cat delivers a mole to the doorstep, I futz and futz and futz instead of just slinging it into the neighbors’ yard (they’ve moved…and not because we pelt them with carrion).  Normally, negative things roll off me, but not this week.  They are eating into my flesh! 

It reminds me of a science lesson on cell structure.  (Actual scientists or science teachers should probably stop here…SPOILER ALERT…I’m not very good at science).  We are made up of cells that are contained within semipermeable membranes.  Everything in us is in the process of exchanging, absorbing, passing through.  I think this applies on the grand scale, too.  Even though we are solid enough to keep the insides in and the outsides out, we are permeable–we let things through.  

Have you ever done the experiment where you stick a daisy or carnation in a vase filled with dyed water?  Within the hour, the daisy will take on the color in which it is immersed.  Or have you dyed eggs this week?  We absorb, too, just like the flower or the eggshell.  If I immerse myself in a world of fear and desperation, guess what starts to show on my petals?  

Last night, I sat down to watch more of The Walking Dead.  At the end of the first hour, Dale was dispatched by Daryl with a violently generous act…and then some dumb show about taxidermy came on.  WHAAAAAT???  Only one hour of zombies???  I checked the cable guide and discovered that it was true…no more walkers for me.  I flipped over to “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” and enjoyed two hours of pleasantly delightful British pensioners opening themselves to life in Jaipur.  Ahhhhhhhh.  

Permeability has its good side, too.  If Carlos gets the giggles, I am likely to get the giggles.  When the birds sing outside my window in the morning, my heart lifts up.   A woman humming at the salad bar puts a song in my head and hours later I am whistling the same tune.  

So today I am going to soak up some sun, laugh with my friends, read a book.   I can clean my crossbow another day.  

Have you experienced permeability this week?  Was it positive or negative?  What did you do to shake the negative?

Here Comes the Sun

daffodils

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.   –Maori Proverb

Today is the day that it all takes a turn for the better.  Yesterday was the March equinox, the day that light and dark are equal, but from here until the solstice, every day gets longer and brighter.  Ahhhhhhhh.  Lightness.

We had rain a few days ago and I swear I looked out the window today and the greening switch had been flipped in the backyard.  I can hear it buzzing.  Our front yard is ringing with the daffodils we tucked away in October.  As we were pulling into the garage, Vivi delighted at the sight of the neighbor’s apple tree in full bloom as if she had never seen it before.  Two days ago it was bare and now it is a cloud of hooray.  Soon, the Yoshino cherry trees will bloom.  Their light pink froth makes the soft movement of the air visible again.  I remember that every space around me and inside me is filled with boisterous molecules.  I feel like I can breathe again…even if it ends up in sneezing.

I’ve been humming “Here Comes the Sun” for weeks now.  I love that “the quiet Beatle” wrote that lovely, simple song.  Last week while we were waiting on an over-priced chicken finger lunch, Vivi pointed out the picture of the Beatles from the Abbey Road cover from the mural in a TGIFridays.  She asked what those men were doing and that led to a discussion of who they were and what they were each famous for.  Then she asked if they were still alive and I had to break the news about John and George.  George lived a long and peaceful life but his body stopped working.  What about the one in front?  Well that’s John.  He died when a bad man shot him with a gun.  Why did the man do that?  I don’t know.

I hated to leave it on that note because we had been having such a good talk.  I said, “Hey, do you wish treeremember that tree in Washington DC that we tied wishes to?”  She did.  “John’s wife came up with that idea.”  I scrolled through the pictures on my phone and showed Vivi the wish she had drawn onto a white paper tag then tied to the bare branch of that tree at the Hirshhorn Sculpture Garden.  She had drawn a cat.  That was her wish–a cat.

On my wish, I wrote my favorite quote about gratitude:  “For all that has been, thanks.  For all that will be, yes.”   I think “yes” is my favorite word, and that word brings us back to what John loved about Yoko–her yes.

In a 1971 Rolling Stone interview with Jann Wenner, John told the story this way:

LENNON: I’m sure I’ve told you this many times. How did I meet Yoko? John Dunbar, who was married to Marianne Faithful, had an art gallery in London called Indica and I’d been going around to galleries a bit on my off days in between records. I got the word that this amazing woman was putting on a show next week and there was going to be something about people in bags, in black bags, and it was going to be a bit of a happening and all that. So I went down to a preview of the show. I got there the night before it opened. I went in – she didn’t know who I was or anything – I was wandering around, there was a couple of artsy type students that had been helping lying around there in the gallery, and I was looking at it and I was astounded. There was a piece which really decided me for-or-against the artist, a ladder which led to a painting which was hung on the ceiling. It looked like a blank canvas with a chain with a spy glass hanging on the end of it. This was near the door when you went in. I climbed the ladder, you look through the spyglass and in tiny little letters it says “yes”.

So it was positive. I felt relieved. It’s a great relief when you get up the ladder and you look through the spyglass and it doesn’t say “no” or “fuck you” or something, it said “yes.”

I peeked at some of the other wishes around ours and the one that will stay with me for many years was from a little boy.  It said, “If David asks Mom to marry him, please let her say yes.”

Vivi and I visited the wish tree in the dead of winter, when the pavement around it was slippery with ice and the wind tossed the white wishes until their strings were tangled and knotted.  Tying a paper wish to a tree is a kind of offering, returning the paper to its source.  Despite the darkness of winter, each simple white wish sprouted from the bare limbs like a bloom.

Wishes are hope.  Wishes allow us to believe in yes.

I think NOW is the time of year for resolutions.  This is the time of newness and growing and coming back to life.  The Zoroastrians are celebrating Nowruz with fire and green grass.  The Christians mark Easter.  The pagans thank Ostara, the Germanic goddess of the dawn for bringing light into the darkness.

Turn your face to the sun today.  Hum a few bars of George’s song.  Say yes.