Tag Archives: Egypt

How Did You Learn Resilience?

I stood on the dusty road at Washington Farms and worked through my work Inbox on my phone. As each long yellow school bus pulled into the gate, I checked for my kid and his class and if it wasn’t them, I got back to work there in the dust and the sunshine. Because this is what you do when you have a busy job but your son really really really wants you to go on the field trip.

We had a fantastic time at the pumpkin patch–a hayride, bouncing on the trampoline, playing in the corn box, petting donkeys and bunnies, even learning from the farmer how pumpkins grow. Carlos and I giggled through it all together. I took selfies with the quiet girl and tied one boy’s dusty shoe and listened to a wide variety of opinions about corn and whether it was good or nah.

But when the clock struck noon, I told Carlos that I had to get back to work. “Noooooo! I want you to stay!” he howled. I pried myself from him and made the long, lonely, and guilty walk to the car. I sat in the quiet for a minute and had a little cry about how hard it is, balancing work and life and kids and responsibility.

It HURTS to be absent sometimes when my kid wants me present.

It hurt a little less when we all got home, him with his tiny pumpkin and a string of stories about all the fun he had after I left.

He was fine. I got a little better.

Then I forgot to ask him to help cook tacos. The meat was already browned (his favorite step) and the lettuce already rinsed (his second favorite step). I was being efficient again and forgot that this was something special my boy and I do together. As he says lately, “I like three things–cooking, clouds, and nukes.”

I apologized for the taco incident and we went on with the evening. I made time for clouds since the cooking was a wash.

In the half hour after bedtime, Vivi had come out of her room five separate times with questions or to track down a lost book or to get a cup of water or to or to or to too. I was pretty frazzled with it. Carlos wandered out into the den and plopped down on the sofa. “It’s after your bedtime,” I snipped.

“You mad at me?”

“No, I’m not mad but I am frustrated that you and your sister seem to be having some trouble with staying in bed tonight.”

He rubbed his eyes and I saw that he was crying. “I’m not mad–go back to bed.”

He did, but a moment later, G came out and told me, “He’s crying because he said he’s going to miss you when you go on your trip.”

Well, dammit. There I go being efficient and not making room for my kid. ARGH.

I went back to Carlos’ room and sat on the bed with him in the dark. He told me that he was sad about missing me while I was gone. I told him that I was sad about missing him too, but that I was also really excited about this adventure and I needed it. We came up with a plan for how I would text and call and leave him notes to read every day that I’m gone. His tears dried up and all was well again.

And then I went to my therapist the next day to unload it all on her couch.

She was a working mom too, back in the day, and is familiar with the feelings. But her kid is grown and healthy now, so she also has learned that it’s important to teach our kids to be resilient.

She asked me to think about how I had learned to be resilient.

What’s resilience? It’s the “capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.” Toughness. It’s the wisdom you acquire by going through challenges and coming out the other side, knowing that you are OK.

Our conversation reminded me of a really low moment in my life, after Richard died and I was alone in our house. Specifically, I was alone on the kitchen floor curled up in a ball of snot and rage. I felt so alone and so tired of thinking I was safe and loved only to find out that I was neither. I remember howling, “I am always going to be alone. I am never going to have anyone to rely on. It’s just me.” And then I snot-laughed because I had a flash of insight. “Well, if I had to pick one person to rely on for the rest of my life, I WOULD PICK ME. Because I never quit.” I got myself off the floor and went on with my life.
Yes, my heart aches when my boy says he will miss me, that he would rather be with me than without me. I feel the same way–but I haven’t apologized to him for going on this trip. Both of us will be learning how resilient we are. I’m challenging myself with the newness of a foreign land. He’s challenging himself with the newness of 13 days without a physical hug from Mama.

We’re going to be OK.

Well, my shuttle to the airport leaves in an hour. I’ve written this to keep myself from curling up in a ball on the kitchen floor because it was so hard to give him one last hug at school this morning and hear him say, “I love ya, Ashley. I’ll miss you.”

When You’re Ready

One morning, after I had come in from the school run so frazzled that I wanted to curl up in a ball under the dining room table and cry, I stood in the middle of the den and said, “Alexa, help me meditate.” The Amazon Echo opened a Headspace meditation app, and for the next 15 minutes, I sat on the edge of this nasty loveseat and breathed.

When the programmed meditation was complete, the super chill male British-accented guide said:

“When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes.”

I did.

And the den was still trashed, the sofa still sticky, and the dogs still staring at me from their beds.

I felt better, more at home in my body, but the man’s words lingered in my now still brain. When was the last time I did something because I was ready?

Most of my life happens according to other people’s needs and schedules.

I get out of bed because the alarm goes off, not because I’m ready. Even on weekends when I get to sleep in, I eventually get out of bed to check the kids, not because I’m ready. I go to work when I’m supposed to go to work and I come home when it’s time to cook dinner and I go to bed when my Fitbit buzzes and tells me that it’s time to start winding down. I walk when the dogs want to walk and I buy groceries when we are out of milk. I eat lunch when it’s lunchtime. I answer emails because my computer goes DING. I stop wearing white sandals because it’s after Labor Day. I write checks to pay bills when the date in the box draws near. I sweep the leaves when they gather on the deck. I wipe up chocolate milk that someone else spilled on the floor because I don’t even drink chocolate milk anymore.

I used to love chocolate milk. But I gave up chocolate milk along with so many other things–not because I was READY to but because I grew up…right?

Ready?

I started thinking back over the major milestones in my adult life–hell, even in my adolescence. All of the big things happened TO ME, not because I had planned and was ready for them.

I’ve never been much of a map maker. I just wait to see what happens then roll with the punches, come what may, que sera sera, yadda yadda. I can plan the hell out of a trip to the grocery store (once we’re out of milk that other people drink), but I’ve never been one for planning out my life. Why bother, when life doesn’t give 2 shits for the plan and grownups have to deal with whatever comes when it comes anyway? (Note to self: this could explain that overwhelming anxiety?)

I remember one time in the last week of senior year in college, when we were making a recruiting film for Wesleyan. A few of us were sitting on the steps of the president’s home, enjoying the view from our pinnacle as almost graduates. The interviewer asked, “What’s next in your plan? Where do you see youself in 5 years? 10 years? I felt a panic as each of my classmates answered and my turn to look into the camera and talk about my life plan got closer and closer. Ummm…hell if I know? That’s not exactly recruitment gold. I said something about going to graduate school at Auburn and then….um….getting my PhD….yeah, that’s the ticket…..and then I guess I’ll be a professor because that’s what people with PhDs do, right? I polished it up and prattled it off for the camera and then I went off into my future and nothing worked out that way. The academic job market didn’t really have any openings for my plan, so I rolled with it.

I didn’t join the corporate world because I was READY. I did it because I was an adult and needed a job and I did the math and taking that job at that time worked. So ready or not…here’s where I ended up.

My life plan.

I turn 50 next week. I’m ready…I think. (Not that it matters whether I am or not)

What I’ve learned about life in 50 years is a lot like what I experienced in that meditation exercise: the illusion of control and busyness is what makes me feel disconnected from my own life. The very idea of a plan is craziness itself. Peace happens when I sit still and breathe. As Thich nat Hahn says, “Breathing in, I calm myself. Breathing out, I smile.” He does not mention a 5-year plan. I’ve been holding those words in my mind for weeks now. “When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes.”

The “ready” isn’t about being ready to control my life. It’s being ready to relinquish the illusion of control.

For my birthday, I’m treating myself to a trip to Egypt. I’ve had 10 months to get ready. I planned to lose 30 pounds so I didn’t hurt the camel I want to ride. I planned to get the kids on chore charts and teach everyone to cook a few meals so they could avoid malnutrition while I’m gone. I planned to learn some basic Arabic phrases. I planned to master my fancy camera. I planned to pack only a carryon for 2 weeks. I planned to read several books by Egyptian writers of the 20th century. I planned to learn the political history of what has formed modern Egypt and I planned to learn the names of all the gods and goddesses. I planned to be so far ahead at work that no one would notice I’m gone.

None of that happened.

Nevertheless, I’m going. And all will be fine, thanks to chicken nuggets, automatic camera settings, and Google translate. I’ll learn the history while I’m there. I’ll read the Egyptian novels when I get back and I’ll catch up on work then too. I can even pick out an extra sturdy camel and still go for a little ride.

I did manage to learn “shukran,” which is how to say “thank you” in Arabic.

I guess all this is to say, nothing is going as planned, but I’m READY.

Girl, come on. We got you.