Brett didn’t send me a picture, but she said I could use a picture of Megan Fox instead. (Full disclosure: I added the hair.)
Today, I am hosting a very special episode of “Other Bad Mothers.” Please welcome my sister, Brett, who is celebrating two things today: the day she was born and the day she came back to life– her third year of sobriety! She spent 15 years locked away in an addiction to pain killers. We can all learn something from her journey down to the bottom and back up to the peak. So take it away, Birthday Girl…
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I lay on the cold concrete floor. No mattress. No blanket. No pillow. Just me and the concrete. Lights had been on 24 hrs a day for a couple days now. My teeth felt like they were covered in fur. My room stunk and my only companion was a stark, white toilet. The door would unlock and open just long enough for someone to push a cold meal into the room with a foot. I was a dog in a cage.
This, my friends, is jail. And not just any ordinary jail…it was the very jail where I had been a Police Officer. I was the one that had held the key to those doors. Now, I was the disgraced ex-cop, drug-addicted, repeat offender that many of the officers peeked in to stare at. I overheard a lot of remarks as I sat silently in my cell. But one of those comments devastated me and still resides in me somewhere.
A Deputy peeked in and said to another Deputy “Well, what do you think about her?”
He looked up at me through the glass and said “I think she’s disgusting.”
My first thought was “Well, duh! I don’t have make-up on. Just wait until you see me fixed up.” But I was wrong. I was a disgusting 42 year old wife and mother of three wonderful boys who had a prescription drug problem that had landed me in trouble on more than this occasion. I had a disgusting problem that no amount of Mary Kay was going to cover.
So, as I lay on that cold floor I began to wonder how things ever would change for me. Why had I gotten so off track and how on earth would I ever make necessary changes? I went through the stages of grief: anger, humiliation, feeling sorry for myself, self-loathing, and every other deprecating emotion I could conjure up. I tried to pray. I had no idea how to pray and felt like I was reaching out to a person I had never met. How do you ask a stranger for help? I had only asked God for things that had brought on this demise, so how NOW do I have the right to ask for ANYTHING?
But I did it anyway. I chose to ask for Acceptance. Acceptance of this situation, right here, right now. I was completely out of control. No amount of arguing, manipulation, batting eye-lashes, begging or pleading would unlock that door. It was in those hours, in those days that my mind began to change. I finally could wrap my ahead around the amount of damage and destruction that I had brought into my life and the lives of those around me. I was from a middle class family, private school, college, flight school, commercial pilot, police officer/crime scene investigator. Opportunity after opportunity—I slowly destroyed them all.
And I was disgusting.
This was it. This was as far as I was willing to go for the love of a Pain Pill. I was no longer getting out of it what I was putting into it. The product was no longer worth what I was paying for it. Saying MERCY is hard. Giving up. Looking at strangers and saying, “I’m a complete idiot. I have made a complete mess out of my life. Can you please tell me how to put it back together?”
“I don’t know how to go to bed without using drugs. How do I work without it? Or do dishes, or vacuum? I can’t get up in the morning without it. I can’t possibly go on vacation. GOD knows I can’t get through a family function. I am surrounded by extremely accomplished people and I am a liar and a thief.”
Luckily I found a place (oops, I mean a Judge found a place) that I could go and relearn all of the things I should have already known. And I could do it with 48 other women who were as disgusting as I was. Now, don’t get me wrong. I did NOT go skipping down to rehab singing “Zippadee Doo Dah.” Not. At. All.
I arrived on my 42nd birthday. Madder than Hell.
I didn’t sleep for 14 days. Because of the anxiety, I had to bite the skin on the back of my hand so hard that I thought it would leave scars. The pain in my hand was the only thing that relieved me. I had to sneak into the showers in the middle of the night (huge rule-breaker, but hey…that’s how I got there) and stand under hot water until my muscles would relax. I threw up, I stomped around mad, I cursed, had panic attacks and missed my children so badly my heart actually hurt. I hated myself and every minute of my situation. Three months passed before I cracked a smile—and eased up on myself just a little. And then a little more.
And then I met some wonderful girls. Girls just like me who were mothers, sisters, wives, daughters. I realized the stories we could share, because WE understood each other. WE could relate. WE could rely on the strength of each other to unburden ourselves of the grief and guilt that WE had used to tear our lives apart. When I shared my experiences with others and waited to be judged, it was met with “Oh my GOD.. that’s exactly what I did…”
I emptied every bit of my trash with those women. Nobody judged, because they had been there and hell, even done worse! I had always heard the corny saying “The truth shall set you free.” Well, not in my experience, until now. I happen to prefer Gloria Steinem’s version: “The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off.” Damn straight, it did.
Nothing has been more FREEING than letting my truths out. I was my own prisoner and kept myself in my own prison. It took a long time to slowly creep out of that cage into the real world. It took a lot of people. It took a lot of listening. I was in treatment for 7 months. It took what it took. And that’s what it took for me.
It’s been three years now that I have been drug FREE. Believe it or not, I can get up and go to work drug FREE. I can take my kids to school, drug FREE. I can vacuum and do laundry drug FREE. I can sleep at night and get up in the morning. I am FREE. Free from the self-imposed chains that bound me.
There is no gift in life more valuable to me than my personal and emotional freedom. And I will do anything to protect it.
I would encourage anyone with a drug/alcohol addiction to engage in long-term residential treatment. I returned to my treatment center on my 1st year clean and spoke to a room full of strangers. I told my story with no guilt or shame. Afterwards, someone approached me and asked “Do you really think a leopard can change its spots?” I replied, “Probably not. Good thing I’m not a leopard.”
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And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you tell a story! Happy Birthday, Brett. I’m so glad you’re here. I love you and I’m proud of you.
Please pass the tissues. I echo Ashley’s comments. Brett, we are glad to have YOU back! You brighten every room you walk into, regardless of hair color. Your quick wit and charm are second to none, well maybe to mine. I never will forget the first time I met you. “Dammit, just my luck, I found the most beautiful girl in the world and she’s my step sister.” We are proud of you and will do anything to help you remain free. Have a wonderful day!
oh. yep. Gonna need to pass those tissues. Thanks so much. Love you guys.
Happy Birthday.
Thank you for sharing your story, and doing it in such a moving and graceful way.
Thank you Heather. This marks the first occasion that i have had a “graceful way..”
Crying in my room this morning. This is beautiful!
Thank you.
Auburn, think of this story if you ever think there is something outside of yourself that will make you feel better. Joy and peace come from inside you! Now get to class, young lady!
I definitely will! And I just got done with my only class for today! )
and today really will be a happy birthday for you and all those that love you so.
Happy birthday! Wow what a story, I never realized that pain-killers could cause so much pain! Glad to hear you’re past that now! Have a great day!
Happy birthday! I’m so glad you were able to tell your truths to people who understood.
Happiest of Birthdays, Brett! Thank you for sharing it with us!
So happy for your sister. Praying for my nephew who has been in and out of rehab and right now is in the hospital with MRSA in an abscess caused by shooting up while in jail.
so sorry for him and all of you. Addiction is such a horrible, confusing ordeal for everyone involved. Jail is certainly not the answer for addicts, for the very reason you have mentioned. Praying for you and your nephew. The key for me was to be in a SAFE place long enough to have a clear head to WANT to change. Unfortunately detox is NOT long enough. Jail is eaten up with drugs. Unless a judge can MANDATE him to a treatment program with a threat of jail if he leaves, he may not be able to get anywhere long enough to gain a clear head. I’m so very sorry for both of you.
Brett… I am so happy for you and your sons! Does anything feel better than free?! Happiest of birthdays. Thank you for sharing your struggle and emancipation. Much love from the other side of the world.
That is some powerful stuff right there. I respect it. I’m very happy your sister got her life back, and I very happy you got your sister back. Beautiful post.
Such a moving testimony. Thank you for sharing such an emotional time of your life. I know the feeling of “being judged” and I’m so glad that I finally learned it doesn’t matter what they think. It matters what I learn from my mistakes and how I choose to take the next step. May God bless you and your family. Now, I’m off to repair my makeup… 🙂
Thanks so much. It is hard to realize that it’s really none of my business what others think of me. It was very difficult to return home after 7 months and hold my head up. There were a lot of people that assumed i had up and left my kids. What they didn’t realize is i went to repair the damage so that i could return and be more of the Mother that they needed. 7 months was just a very small slice of time in comparison to what it could have been.
One of your best. So proud of you Brett and I wish you the very best of luck. You have a wonderful family – your stepfather is one of my favorite first cousins – and we are your cheerleaders. We have strong shoulders and they will always be there for you to lean on – Take care of your nice husband and those precious boys. Much love and keep up the good work. Annette Mitchell
Brett, I can’t tell you how much your story affected and impressed me. My son is in a prison “rehab-program” and I’m going to send him your story. Hopefully it will (finally) help him to see that life can turn around if you really want it to. Pat yourself on the back for changing your life and for the other lives you’ve changed. I appreciate it more than than I can say. Lisa
I love this!!! Your sis is not alone. I’ve had my addiction as well. Proud that she made it through & reclaimed her life for her. Happy Birthday Brett!
When’s your birthday? Congratulations to you!
I love this! So glad she’s doing well. She’s definitely not alone in regards to her struggles, I’ve been there as well. Proud that she was able to make it through & reclaim her life for her. Happy Birthday Brett!!!
Congratulations on your birth and rebirth. Such a powerful story – thank you for sharing it.
From one recovering alcoholic/addict to another — you go, girl!! Awesome. I love Ashley and I love you, too. Congratulations, Brett!